The Colgate 2-in-1 mouthwash / toothpaste might be the scariest thing I've ever seen. People, how lazy are we? Next will I have to buy steak with floss already wrapped inside?
Lorelai is sitting on Mustang Max's kitchen counter. He's doing the dishes; she's eating from a giant pot. He's mocking her, as they just finished this candlelit dinner that he prepared during which she only took two bites of her food, but now that he's doing the dishes, she can't stop eating. She says that watching people work makes her hungry, and if she hadn't stopped watching This Old House, she'd be five hundred pounds by now. Max adds more food to Lorelai's pot. Lorelai asks where he learned to cook the Italian dish they just had. He stammers an obvious lie about an old Italian lady that lived upstairs from him until she stops him to comment that it was obviously an old girlfriend and he admits that it was. What's amazing is that what has taken me only seven sentences to describe has taken them over four minutes of rapid-fire "banter" that leaves me too exhausted to recap. I'm so over Mustang Max. Lorelai jumps off the counter, spins a bit right in front of Max's lips, and then walks off. They almost kiss, but not quite. As Max continues cleaning the kitchen, Lorelai snoops over to his desk. She asks if he finished reading Rory's paper yet. He says he hasn't. "It's really good," she says, finding it in the pile of school papers and putting it on the top. Lorelai tells him that there are very big words in Rory's paper, so he'll probably need a dictionary for it. He says he'll have one. Lorelai offers to help him save time by just putting an "A" on it herself. Max says it wouldn't be fair to the other students whose mothers aren't there tonight. Lorelai flirts and grins. She says that life isn't fair and, "the sooner those kids learn that, the better." Lorelai turns around and starts going through Max's books, complimenting him on his collection. She pulls out one book and says that she's never read Proust, even though she's always wanted to. She'd like to sound all learned and be able to quote him every once in a while. Max tells her to borrow the book. She says she will. She sits down and starts thumbing through the pages. "Not now," Max laughs. No, go ahead and read, Lorelai. Because then you two aren't talking at the speed of light, and I don't have to transcribe any more SmarmyMax. She keeps acting like she's going to read the book, so he starts kissing her. She shuts the book and stands up into his arms. He keeps kissing her, even though she stops kissing him to quip something about her grades suffering if she doesn't finish her required reading, but Max keeps kissing her into his bedroom.
Lorelai tiptoes into her house holding her shoes in her hand, just like when Rory came home all late the other week. "Where do you think you're going?" a voice calls. It's Rory, and she's on the couch like she was waiting up for Lorelai. But she's smiling, so Lorelai isn't really in any trouble. Keeping the cute theme going, here. Rory tells Lorelai that it's one in the morning. That's really kind of early for a sex date, isn't it? Like I know anything. Lorelai says that her watch stopped and she never noticed the time. And there was a car wreck. And she had to save kittens. And small children. And four baby chicks. Rory asks whether Lorelai had a nice time. "Not bad," Lorelai smiles. Rory says, "That's a very big smile for a 'not bad' night." Lorelai tells Rory that Max loaned her a book. Rory asks if Lorelai knows what it means when a boy lends you a book. "That he's already read it?" Lorelai guesses. "Yep," Rory nods. Lorelai asks how Rory's night was. Rory says she did homework. "How many times did Dean call?" Lorelai asks. I'm so used to calling him CuteDean that it kind of throws me when she doesn't call him that too. "Not that many," Rory says. Lorelai: "How many?" Rory: "Three." Lorelai squints. Rory: "Five." My left leg starts to twitch from the sugar rush. Lorelai asks if Rory is going to stay on the couch tonight. Rory says she's got the pillows in a perfect "mush" position, and she doesn't want to move. Lorelai kisses her on the top of the head and says, "Night, Mom." Rory puts on the grown-up voice and says, "Yeah, you just think about what you've done." "I will," Lorelai purrs, and it's kinda creepy. Just because she's saying that to Rory about her teacher, and I fully expect Rory to counter with a, "Gross!" -- but she doesn't. Instead she stops Lorelai to tell her that she looks happy. "I am, Kid," Lorelai smiles back. "Just checking," Rory says. They both happily go to bed.