Previously on Gilmore Girls: Lorelai's getting married. She told Luke and he teased her. Lorelai freaks out because she doesn't know what she wants. She says yes anyway, for no reason at all. Emily isn't too enthused, since Lorelai didn't tell her right away. Lorelai wants to spend her wedding shower evening with Luke instead of Max, even though she doesn't exactly say that. Can Lorelai marry herself? Because that's the only way she's going to be happy in this kind of bond.
We open at a cake shop. We all know that Sookie's making Lorelai's cake, so Lorelai's just being evil here. Lorelai and Rory are eating sample cakes and dancing with joy. Rory asks Lorelai if she'd save the cake or her daughter if her house was burning down. Lorelai says the question is unfair, since the cake doesn't have legs. Fran the cake lady walks over to check on the girls. They love the cake. Fran says that the cake should be good, since "we've" been doing it for a hundred and twelve years. Lorelai rudely says that Fran doesn't look a day over one hundred and six. Fran is unamused, and explains that she was referring to her family. Luckily, Rory chimes in here, beaming about the raspberries on the cake and pulling the focus away from Lorelai's giant mouth. Lorelai tells Fran that the wedding is in two weeks (so summer's over now), and that she hasn't decided which cake she wants. Fran tells Lorelai to try them all again, and Lorelai pretends that she doesn't want to sit and eat cake all day long. Fran tells Lorelai that cake is the glue of the wedding, so this is a very crucial decision. Rory eats cake, but the reverse shot doesn't show that the cake has been touched. Fran leaves, and Rory asks Lorelai what it was like to see Max last night. She asks for all of the gory details to be left out. So, are we to assume that Lorelai and Max didn't see each other for two months after they've been engaged for three weeks after they've been dating for two? Wouldn't all of Stars Hollow be whispering that Lorelai's wedding won't last a day? And I've been thinking about how last week Sookie told Lorelai that she worked so hard in life and that she really deserves this. Deserves what? To be married? Because she was so good at being single that now she deserves to be married? Because nobody says anything about love in this relationship. Just that Max is a "great guy," something that we've all yet to see but just have to trust Lorelai about. Why am I so upset about this? Lorelai says, "He's really great. I'm glad he's back." Such love, right there. Rory asks if Max is okay with the "smallish wedding," and Lorelai says that he is. I fucking hope so, since he has had nothing to do with the planning. Hey, if an engagement is called off, do you have to return the presents? Because that's some scam Lorelai can run there if she gets on it. Max isn't even there trying out the cakes? Does he care about the wedding at all? Does Max have friends? Has Lorelai met them yet? Why hasn't she met his parents? Why haven't the Gilmores met the Medinas? There were so many episodes to go before this hasty wedding subplot that would have had me more invested in Lorelai's wedding, but now it just makes me want her to call it off so we can move on to more believable plot lines. Lorelai says that she and Max have been "completely in sync" without the "slightly gay boy band affiliation." Rory shows Lorelai some sample wedding invitations she made on her computer. Two weeks before the wedding and nobody's invited yet? Stars Hollow is so small she probably doesn't need to send any out, anyway. And I bet Emily would have forced herself to get more involved with the planning. It's her only child's only wedding. I don't care how upset she initially was about the announcement, she'd be pushing her opinions and cash into this thing so fast. I'm done with this, by the way. I'm not going to re-write the entire year, and how this all could have been done without Max, since they're just canceling this wedding for Scott Cohen's Showtime show, and how he could have just Clooneyed himself into a couple of episodes this season while Lorelai spent a few months trying to decide if she was the wife-y type and then this episode could have come much later, when maybe one of us could have identified with her because the writers took us on some kind of story line or journey. But I'm done. Right...now. Lorelai doesn't like the first quote on the invitations, written by "Sinclair 'Sappy' Lewis." Lorelai doesn't like the second quote from Lord Byron. She pretty much turns up her nose at all poetry. Lorelai goes with Mussolini: "We have buried the putrid corpse of liberty." Rory asks Lorelai if it's right to be sampling wedding cakes when Sookie's making the cake for free. Lorelai says that the definition of the word "right" is very loose, anyway. She says if eating cake is wrong, she doesn't want to be right. Fran calls from off-camera that she's bringing out a mocha crunch cream cake. Rory says that ethics are highly subjective and completely overrated. My cat curls into my lap as we announce our engagement. Please send presents.