Gilmore Girls
Red Light On A Wedding Night

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Run, Max! Run!

Max finds Lorelai in bed. She's got her head facing the wrong way, and she's moaning over her stomach. Max says that she's a lovely shade of puce, and she tells him not to use any word that sounds like "puke." Max says that the kids are still outside. He asks how long they're allowed to be out there. Lorelai says that as soon as they stop saying, "No, you're prettier" to each other, then the evening is over. Max says he's going to be living there soon, so he should know what the procedure is when things like this come up. What should he do if Rory and CuteDean are in the dark after eleven? Lorelai says that Rory is very low-maintenance, like the robot kid in A.I., but less clingy and mommy-oriented. Lorelai bitches that she would have pushed that robot kid out the car door if he was hers. Lorelai has developed a nasty side I don't like, by the way. Max asks what he should do if he catches Rory and CuteDean making out on the couch one night. Lorelai says that Rory is allowed to do some kissing, since she's a teenager. And when did Max decide he was going to be a father? Did they ask him to do that? Has he ever been father-like to Rory? Has she asked him for advice? The only discipline he's ever given her is a bad grade and extra homework. Max asks what he should do if Rory gets drunk. Lorelai says that Rory is already grown-up and done and doesn't need any more parenting. She'll handle any problems that come up. Max asks whether he has any role in Rory's life. Lorelai says he doesn't need a role. Max gets pissed because there's nothing for him to do there. Lorelai says that when he made the garlic bread the other night, it was really helpful. Max says that there's nothing for him to do beyond making garlic bread and answering phones. I tried to tell you, Max. Run. Lorelai says that he's her "fella," her "guy," her "old man," and that entails "all things dirty." Max isn't joking, and reminds Lorelai that they're getting married. He says that they are melding two lives into one. Lorelai admits that she hasn't really thought about that, and Max gets upset. She says she will start thinking now. Max asks how she'd feel if he told her he didn't think about their future at all. Lorelai apologizes a few times and says that all of those annoying little quirks make her the fascinating woman he fell in love with. Oh, bullshit. They kiss, and he forgives her, because there's nothing else he can do, because he's unimportant and on thin ice as it is. Max says he broke CuteDean's late-night cranky rule. Lorelai asks what he's talking about. "Nothing," Max says as he leaves the room. CuteDean is qualified to be a part of that family. He has a role. He's loved. He has a personality. That's what Max is missing. A fucking personality. He's just this stuffed animal that sits there and gets held when Lorelai needs cuddling. He can be replaced by a vibrator, a bottle of wine, and a mirror.

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Gilmore Girls

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