Gilmore Girls
Red Light On A Wedding Night

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Pamie: B+ | Grade It Now!
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Run, Max! Run!

We're at the grand opening of the new traffic light. There's a gathering. Rudy and Rudy II are talking as loudly as they want to in the middle of the gathering. Sookie tells Lorelai that they have to eat at the bachelorette party, and Lorelai says that they should be partying, not eating. Cardigan Man tells them that their conversation is very fascinating. Lorelai apologizes. Luke is pissed. Lorelai keeps talking until Cardigan Man just ignores her, which is what I'm doing now, too. Cardigan Man says that many of the townspeople have wanted a traffic light and a crosswalk, and now their dreams have come true. Luke says they don't want a crosswalk, and that they weren't asked their opinions. Lorelai tells Luke to shut up so they can plan their party. Luke tells Lorelai they'll all hurl if they don't eat first. Cardigan Man unveils the new crosswalk button. It's one of those big yellow ones. Miss Patty says it's the biggest yellow button she's ever seen in her life. It's also got a giant sign over it with incredible detail on the process of pressing the button, waiting for the crosswalk sign to read "walk," and then the process of walking across. Miss Patty reads the sign for us. Luke is insulted at the language used on the sign. "In big stupid letters, too!" Sally Struthers shouts. Morey says that he hates being infantalized. Cardigan Man says that there were several near-accidents there over the past few years. Luke and Cardigan Man argue over whether you can stop something from happening if you do nothing and if nothing in fact happens when you do something, until Luke gets talked into a corner. Lorelai lists off her party guests: "You, me, Rory, Miss Patty, Babette...." She asks if Babette's coming. Sally Struthers warbles that she can't make it because she's got plans with Morey's parents, and if you miss plans with them, they rip you a new one. She tells Lorelai to stick her hand down some guy's pants for her. Lorelai says she hopes Babette means a stripper. "Whatever," Babette waves. This scene is neverending, by the way. Cardigan Man says that the length of the crosswalk has been timed to the gait of the oldest living member of Stars Hollow, Mrs. Lanahan. They yank this poor woman up from her chair and force her to walk across the crosswalk to celebrate the first crossing of the new crosswalk that seems to only be in one direction, and not on every side of this four-way stop. Kirk takes pictures (with the lens cap on, of course) and the little old lady from Stars Hollow hobbles across the street. Lorelai complains that she's not wearing a veil to the party. Sookie says that the bride always wears a veil to this kind of party. Lorelai says she wants this to be casual and that she's not even wearing a veil at the wedding. How does Sookie not know this? Has Lorelai even picked out a dress? Luke says that Lorelai should elope and get it over with. "No one asked you," Sookie points out. Lorelai admits they thought about eloping. Sookie says that a wedding isn't something to get "over with." Luke says that it's a pointless ceremony that's not biologically natural. He says only ducks mate for life, and who cares about ducks? People grow and evolve their whole lives, and the chances of two people growing and evolving together are too slim to take. "Okay, I'm tired of you now," Sookie says, and pulls Lorelai away from "Crochety Guy." Lorelai pouts at Luke as they walk off. Pan up to the little old lady still making her way across the street. How hellish to be stuck at that light all afternoon when nobody's crossing it, huh?

Black people walk in front of the camera so we know that everyone's now in "The City." Sookie, Lorelai, Miss Patty, Rory, and Michel are waiting in line at the club. Rory says she hopes they'll let her in. I don't really understand what Rory's doing there, for real, if there are going to be strippers and such. Michel says that corrupting a minor is a felony. Sookie tells Rory to look older by thinking about retirements and 401Ks. I think that Rory could start with a different dress, some makeup, and perhaps a hairdo. When we had to sneak our underage friend into a bachelorette party, we made her the bride-to-be, since nobody fucks with the bride. And Rory's only sixteen. She totally doesn't belong there at all. Where's Lane? Get her in there, too. MamaLane would love it. Lorelai asks who invited Michel. Sookie says that he heard them planning and wanted to come. He says he didn't know the evening included babysitting. Lorelai's cellphone rings. It's Max. He's at the hospital. His brother tried to jump a parking meter because he was drunk and misjudged the height of the meter. There's a middle child/ "Poor Jan" joke here that I'll skip. Max is all laughing until his brother walks up and says that he's only got a mild concussion and that he's ready to start drinking. Are there only two people at his bachelor party? And why doesn't Lorelai know that Max has siblings? Max says they're taking his brother home. Lorelai tells Max to take him home quickly and then go to a strip club because this is the last time he's allowed to go and look at "breastage." That is, until one of his brothers or one of his friends get married. Or if there's a half-day at school. Or if Lorelai's out of town. Or if it's Tuesday. Come on -- a guy as unassuming and uninteresting as Max? You know he's got a porn fetish. There's got to be one interesting thing about him. He must be dirty, because he doesn't show any signs of life to the public. Max says he'll call her tomorrow, and hangs up. So, he didn't stay the weekend, and just one night? What night is it now? When's the wedding? Why will he call her tomorrow and not see her? What the hell is happening? When's the bridal shower? Sookie says the new rule is no calling boyfriends or fiancés or anything else. It's Girls Night Out, plus Michel. They walk up to the bouncer. He says that it's eighteen or over. Sookie says that Rory's eighteen. Rory says she just turned eighteen, and it's a new eighteen, but it's still eighteen. Everyone starts saying that Rory is simply "Rory," and a famous international supermodel. Big in Germany, Sookie adds. The bouncer lets this very young child in.

Judy Garland's lip-synching "Come On, Get Happy." It's a drag bar, and Michel is disgusted, for some reason. Michel is so gay, so I don't know why he isn't happy in here. Lorelai says they'll have to stand, since there's no room. Sookie points out an empty table. They walk over and the crowd clears, showing Emily sitting at the empty table. Michel invited her. "Just a little surprise for you. I thought it would be a kick," he tells Lorelai. Lorelai walks over to Emily and says, "Excuse me, sir. You look just like my mother." Best line of the episode. Rory says, "Hey, Gramma. Come here often?" Emily asks how Rory got in. Rory explains that she's an international supermodel. I can't believe Emily isn't furious about Rory being in there. Emily says that, in the future, Lorelai might want to show up on time to her parties. Lorelai says she didn't invite Emily. Emily says she feels much better, then. Lorelai says it's time to drink. Miss Patty asks Emily what she's drinking. It's a Manhattan, and she's loving it. She says she ordered it from the nice man dressed like Joan Crawford. Heh. Mommie Dearest. Get it? Michel asks whether there's any dancing in there. He says on the weekends, he likes to shake it. So, it's the weekend again? I'm so confused. There have been no dinners at Emily's. An entire week passed? Lorelai makes a bad joke and orders more booze. Sookie tells Emily that Lorelai's already a bit tipsy. Mae West asks what she can get for them. "My dignity back," Michel Frenches. Lorelai orders some Rum and Cokes, a Shirley Temple for Rory ("Love her!" shouts Mae West), and a giant Long Island Iced Tea for herself.

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