Gilmore Girls
Santa's Secret Stuff

Episode Report Card
Al Lowe: B- | Grade It Now!
Home For Fake Christmas

Later, at the Dragonfly, Luke has arrived to pay a surprise visit to Lorelai. Our beloved Michel is less than thrilled to see him, sneering, "You. I thought we were done with you." He reluctantly calls Lorelai up to the front and turns back to face Luke: "Well, this is awfully awkward. We should make some sort of conversation." Luke sighs. "I see your sense of style has not changed," says Michel with disdain. "I've often wondered, does someone in your family own a flannel company?" Awesome. Luke spits out a curt "nope," and after a pause, Michel admits that this small-talk thing isn't going to happen: "Let us just stand here and let the awkwardness wash over us." Luke: "Fine by me." Finally, Lorelai arrives, surprised to see Luke, and puts Luke and Michel out of their misery. She and Luke retire to the sitting room, where he tells her about Anna's decision to move to New Mexico with April, and their resulting court date. Lorelai (whose hair looks fantastic) is extremely sympathetic. Luke tells her that he needs a character reference, and asks her to write one for him. The one Liz wrote, he says, was very sweet but weird (of course), and he needs another one. "I know it's an awful lot to ask," he says, nervously, but Lorelai doesn't even think about it. "Yes," she says, to Luke's extreme relief. They awkwardly stand up to say goodbye, and when Luke shakes Lorelai's hand as he exits, her face looks so very sad.

The next day, at the Inn, Lorelai is taking a shot at the letter and cannot get off the ground. She goes into the kitchen to get more coffee and commiserate with Sookie, who agrees that it has to be hard to do something like this: "I mean, it's Luke, and after all you've been through, and having to dig up all those feelings for him..." But Lorelai insists that's not what it is -- she just wants to write a great letter for Luke to help him in the custody arrangement: "I want it to be something amazing and powerful. Like Gettysburg Address powerful, or 'I have a dream' powerful." She figures she'll just look some of those speeches up online, pop the name "Luke" in at the appropriate spots, and be done with it. "Sure," says Sookie. "I don't think anyone will notice." Lorelai goes back to her place by the fire, where the pressure continues to get to her. She engages in all the classic writer's-block procrastination methods: strawberry juggling, pen tricks, excessive coffee drinking.

At the diner, Keiko Agena is walking around with a huge balloon under her sweater. Come on, people. There has never been a pregnant woman who looked like this. It's almost cute, really -- that's how fake it looks. I sort of like it, even. I mean, Lane's supposed to be pregnant with twins, which is ridiculous to start with, so why not send it right over the top? Lane carries some food to some customers, who immediately engage in humanity's most annoying pastime: goofily chatting up pregnant women with insanely familiar questions. "Is it twins?" asks the lady at the table. "It's gotta be twins." "Is what twins?" Lane snarls back. "Aren't you...?" the male customer chimes in. "Pregnant?!" Lane yells. "You think I'm pregnant? Oh, yeah, because it's not acceptable in this society to be a plus-sized woman who happens to carry her weight in her belly!" The poor customers backpedal, but Lane takes a cleansing breath. "Of course I'm pregnant," she says, slamming down their plates. As Lane attacks the diners at the next table for over-tipping her -- "I'm pregnant, not homeless!" -- April comes through the door. "Oh my gosh," she says to Luke as Lane lumbers by, "Lane is gigantic." Luke suggests, like a good parent, that she not mention this to Lane. He is alarmed to hear that April biked over, unbeknownst to Anna, who thinks she has gone to the science museum with her friend Melissa and Melissa's dad. She flimflammed the whole shebang by backing out at the last minute on the real museum trip by telling Melissa's dad she couldn't go because she'd gotten "the curse." Which is perfect, she says, "because you know how awkward men are about menstruation!" Poor Luke. He worriedly tells April that this is not going to work, and that he's going to have to take her home. April gives him the hard sell, begging to stay and, over his protests, handing over his Christmas gift. Luke is swayed by the old daddy-daughter spell, and takes her upstairs for lunch.

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Gilmore Girls




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