Gilmore Girls
Say Goodbye To Daisy Miller

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The Safety Dance

"I love you, Rory." "I love you, too, Dean." That's all we hear as we stare at the Gilmore home at the top of the fifth season.

Cut to naked Rory and CuteDean in bed, covers pulled chastely up around their chests, as if they hadn't already done the deed. Rory asks CuteDean if he's comfortable, and if she's killing his arm. "I could move," she says. "Don't you dare move," CuteDean tells her. This would all be incredibly romantic and perfect if it weren't for the wedding ring on CuteDean's hand, which is conveniently tucked under Rory so that we aren't reminded of his wife. You know, I don't care. It is romantic and perfect. I've been waiting for this scene for five years, and no plot device is going to ruin it for me. If you wanted me to care about Lindsay, you should have given her a personality. Right now she's about as much of a conflict as if CuteDean had a lease he couldn't get out of without a stiff penalty. Rory, reading my thoughts, says, "This, right here, is the textbook definition of a perfect moment." CuteDean agrees. "And earlier?" Rory asks, still afraid to use the real words for sex. CuteDean says that earlier was pretty perfect, too. CuteDean then says the cryptic, "However? As a guy, I was trying not to be a pig." Does he mean like not sleeping around on his wife, or more like trying not to drool on her, or...what the hell does he mean? Oh, who cares, he totally bites her on the shoulder while he says it, which is hot, but also meta-strange since the two of them used to date, and you wonder if the CuteDean/Jess rivalry is happening in real life, too, and Milo came down to the set to watch Jared and Alexis fake do-it in Stars Hollow just like they used to do-it in Los Angeles.

Rory says she's happy, and asks CuteDean if he's happy. He says he is. "Happy, but not chatty?" asks Rory. That is the quintessential Gilmorian line. Put that on a t-shirt. "HAPPY BUT NOT CHATTY IS NO KIND OF HAPPY." CuteDean chuckles and says he's trying to make sure that all of this is really happening. He has a point: this show is no stranger to false season openers. Rory and CuteDean kiss, but Rory squishes her eyes tight because she's still not comfortable touching other people. She tells CuteDean that they need a song. She wants something romantic but not mushy -- something that will make them remember this moment. How about "Secret Lovers"? That's what you are. Rory has the perfect solution, and it just happens to be sitting atop her stereo, on her white wicker bedside table. In a completely unrelated note: man, I hate white wicker. It looks as uninviting as it is. CuteDean strokes Rory on her naked shoulder while she puts the CD in the player. Because Gilmores are lazier than you could ever predict, she then holds the remote for the stereo that is closer to her than the remote, and announces that she's about to play the song that will always remind them of this illicit time together. And because Rory's weird, she's chosen "The Candy Man." And because I think they got clearance for the song long after they filmed this scene, Rory immediately starts grooving to a beat that's not there while CuteDean laughs before he could ever possibly identify the song they're listening to. CuteDean says that this couldn't be their song. Rory says it's perfect: it's happy and hopeful and has the word "candy" in it: "Hey, what is more hot than candy?" And with that sentence, Rory almost stole my fiancé. I gotta remember that line for our vows. Rory then sings along to "The Candy Man," and CuteDean laughs while still keeping his hand with possibly a wedding ring on it hidden almost under the mattress. By the way, if anybody's wondering how Rory is in bed, she's so good she knocked the facial hair off CuteDean. I mean, that's pretty impressive. Rory and CuteDean fake fight over the music, prompting Rory to announce that this is what happens when women get control of the remote. They are interrupted by the sound of Lorelai running into the house. She would be searching for Band-Aids, by the way, so they fudged this part a bit. Rory and CuteDean hear Lorelai calling out for her daughter, so they spring out of bed.

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Gilmore Girls

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