Clad in only black stockings and a pink cardigan, Emily tries to sneak away, holding fabric over her butt. Yowza. Nice legs, Kelly Bishop. Get ready to do the Cell Block Tango in those. Richard teleports into the front yard, accusing his wife of having an aneurysm. Emily tells Richard to get away from her. Richard follows her, asking if she seriously thinks he'd lock her in a basement after thirty-something years of marriage. Emily says she doesn't know who he is at all anymore. Richard says he knew that the mental illness in her family would catch up to her. Emily: "Aunt Coral was not mentally ill, she was athletic!"
Cue the security lights. Emily tries to cover up her privates as two security guards with clipboards approach the couple, asking if there's a problem. Emily says that there's no problem here. The guard says that neighbors have called about a disturbance. Richard says that they're going inside and that everything is okay. Emily tells her husband through gritted teeth, "Do not tell me what to do." The security guard asks the couple for their security password. I don't really know what that means, either. Richard gets testy and tells the rent-a-cops either to shoot them or to go away. Dude, that'd be oddly hilarious if one of the cops just shot Richard. No, it wouldn't. I'm sorry. I am clearly tired, if I'm rooting for stupid humor. I should delete those last two sentences. I didn't. You think less of me now. I'm sorry. The guard begins writing up a report. Emily says that this is awesome, because now that there's a report they will be in the police blotter, which the unfortunately named Petal Huffington reads religiously: "It's like heroin to her!" Emily spits that they are now the scandal of the century. Emily, it's just a report. They aren't even real cops. Put your pants on. Richard shouts that this display demonstrates clearly that Emily is no longer the woman he married. Emily tells Richard that the woman he married was his partner, whom he respected, shared everything with, and trusted. So he's right. She is definitely no longer the woman he married.
Lorelai returns to the Dragonfly to find a mostly naked Kirk passed out on a couch, ass in the air. Lorelai gives an A Mighty Wind-style "Wha' happened?" Luke tells her that Kirk landed butt-first in Taylor's rose bushes. "Oh, poor thing!" Lorelai whines. Luke says that didn't slow Kirk down, though, and that Luke managed to grab Kirk before he hit the miniature goat pen. Who keeps a miniature goat pen? Taylor? That man is twisted. Luke notes that Lorelai was gone for a while, clearly wondering if she was off kissing Digger somewhere. Lorelai blows it off, saying she had some things at home. It's totally unlike Lorelai not to immediately spill this story to Luke, isn't it? You'd think she'd run right to his arms, asking what she should do, how to make Rory not mad at her, happy that Rory isn't sleeping with Jess. Luke asks her if she's okay, and if there's truly nothing she wants to talk about with him. It comes across like he thinks she must feel terrible about kissing him earlier.