Gilmore Girls
Scene In A Mall

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Emily's. Lorelai arrives to find Emily ripping someone a new one over the phone. Lorelai takes off her coat, and I think to myself, "That girl has so much money put aside for clothes." I don't think I've ever seen her repeat an outfit, but we do see Rory wear the same thing more than once. Emily, too. And obviously Luke. But Lorelai is always wearing something different. Emily is trying to get dinner reservations, since their loin was burned by the about-to-be-unemployed cook. Lorelai enjoys repeating that Emily has a burning loin. Emily, as if someone knew what I was thinking, tells Lorelai that she can't believe she's wearing that dress again and how it's rather inappropriate for going out to dinner. I do believe it's a cocktail dress, so I'm not sure how it would be inappropriate for any place that takes American Express. Emily tells Lorelai to hit a store and update her wardrobe, as Richard emerges from that mysterious place they keep him in every other episode. He teases Emily, saying she's done enough shopping for a lifetime: "Methuselah's lifetime." Richard teases Emily a bit more about her shopping habit, until Emily offers to leave the room and let Richard and Lorelai starve. Richard has already forgotten that dinner was ruined. Richard says he heard the word "loin," but didn't think Emily meant dinner. Lorelai shudders and says that this is making her uncomfortable. Emily accuses Richard of only half listening to her, and then they fight over where they'll eat dinner, as well as which restaurants they like and don't like. Richard wants to go to the place Digger took him to last week, which had a hip clientele, like Moby. Only if Digger took Richard to the past. Speaking of the past, Richard and Emily then argue about which of the Beatles are still alive and which are dead, a conversation Lorelai begs them to pause until Rory is there to witness. Emily tells Richard to change into something more appropriate. You don't like his Colonel Mustard look, Emily? She then begs him to shave his caterpillar mustache. Men have a fascination with their facial hair that women won't understand. I've learned that the only way to make a man shave off whatever scratchy face stuff is sloughing your lips and cheeks is also to refuse to shave until he does. Most men can take your leg hair growing long, but the second they see your pits filling in, they're offering to loan you their Mach 3 while they're still shaving their upper lips. Emily says they have to leave immediately, and they don't have time to change clothes. As they leave, Emily tells everyone to plan what they want to eat as they have to order as soon as they get there. Lorelai reminds Emily that they have to wait for Rory. Emily says that Rory isn't coming because she's been sick all week. She asks Lorelai if she didn't know that, but Lorelai lies that she knew that, totally. Emily says she's going to order the sea bass, and then they...oh. Oh. Okay. That's fine. End of scene.

Lorelai calls Rory. They reach each other. Lorelai is mad that Rory never mentioned she was sick in any of her emails. She compares them to the naked couple in the "Love Is" cartoons. Okay, if any of you knew who Carnac was, I'm guessing we're down to a very small percentage who can remember the "Love Is" cartoons. I was so little when they were around that I kind of thought they were porn. Lorelai reads some of Rory's mail, saying she writes less than the people who offer to enlarge Lorelai's penis. Wasn't Lorelai just bragging to Luke that she and Rory email every day? Also: there's no way Lorelai would be good with email. She'd hate it and would be the type to call and say, "I just sent you an email asking you if you want to come to my house for dinner tomorrow night. But I forgot to ask if you're allergic to shellfish. Do you like shrimp? I just rented a movie. I have to tell you what happened to me today!" And so on. Also: Rory wouldn't write "What up?" in an email. I don't know anybody who would write "What up?" because, again, this isn't the past. Lorelai says it's been so long since she's seen Rory that she doesn't even know if Rory looks the same. Rory says she got a nose ring. Lorelai tells Rory not to kid, because she's mad and needy (when is she not?), and she spent the evening with her parents, who bickered the entire time about which Beatle was alive and which was dead. They decided that John and Keith are dead, and Paul and Bingo are still alive. Lorelai asks Rory to play hooky tomorrow. "From what?" Rory asks, because Lorelai doesn't know that Rory just dropped all of her classes, and her "sick week" was actually her first week of being that kid who lives in the dorms who actually doesn't go to the school anymore. Rory says that the next day is good, because she can skip some newspaper thing. Lorelai, $30,000 check burning a hole in her pocket, asks Rory if she'd like to go shopping. Rory says they're both broke. She uses British slang here, but I think it's bollocks when Americans do that. Lorelai says they can window-shop like Rosalind Russell and Ava Gardner on 5th Avenue. When Stee once subbed my recaplet for me, he asked if Bob Hope was writing the scripts these days, what with the World War II-era references. I'm wondering if Groucho Marx wrote the script for this episode. The girls promise to wear roses in their lapels so that they recognize each other. They hang up without saying goodbye.

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