Gilmore Girls
Swan Song

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Lucky Swan

Doose's. Rory -- who can't trust her boyfriend but never doubts her ex-boyfriend for a second -- is looking for Dean to find out what happened to Jess's eye. As soon as Dean says he didn't punch Jess, Rory believes him, trusts him, loves him. Dean's pretty happy that Jess is sporting a shiner, though. Dean says he doesn't really like talking about Jess, and that he's got to get back to work. He apologizes for not being able to solve the mystery. Rory leaves.

Jess enters Luke's. Luke stops him and calls him Petey the Dog. Jess is evasive again. Luke asks why he got into a fight with Dean. Jess says it wasn't Dean and that he wishes people would stop assuming that. Luke asks if Emily punched him. The phone rings. It's Rory, and Jess tells Luke to tell her that he's not there. "Get a clue, Columbo," he says. Asshole! Luke can't understand why Jess doesn't want to talk to Rory. This is all too much for Luke, so he pulls Jess into the stock room.

Luke tells Jess that he's his responsibility and now that Jess is exhibiting signs of violent behavior he needs to know what is going on. Jess says that Luke wouldn't believe him. "Try me, tough guy," Luke says. Jess admits: "A swan. I was attacked by a swan, okay?" Luke tries not to laugh as Jess explains how he was walking away from the dock and this vicious swan came out and beaked his face. Luke says he's never heard anyone use the word "beak" as a verb before. Jess says this isn't funny: "That stupid bird attacked me!" Luke accidentally lets out a tiny laugh, and then keeps it in check. Jess goes on about how the bird is vicious and could have blinded him. Jess leaves.

Luke goes back into the kitchen and sees Jess grabbing a ladle. He asks Jess what he's doing. Jess says he's going to do a little "beaking" of his own. Luke asks Jess not to use the new ladle. "Take the baster!" he shouts as we fade to commercial.

I guess Luke just left his diner again because now Jess and Luke are on a rowboat in Dawson's Creek. They can't find the swan. Luke asks if the swan attacks like the rabbit in Monty Python. Luke asks what Jess said to the Gilmores about his eye. Jess says he didn't, and that he's just glad this is all behind him. Luke says that Jess has got nothing behind him. He says there will be plenty more events like that in the future. He says that when you date a girl like Rory, you're dating her whole family. Luke says that when Jess dated Shane, he dated her entire petri dish. Jess says Shane was easy to figure out. "And you were bored from Day One," Luke reminds him. Jess says he wanted to date Rory and not her family. Luke says that all of these people come with the girl. Jess says that it's everybody including Dean. "She picked you," Luke reminds her. Jess doesn't know why. Luke says that Rory knows, and that's all that matters: "Being jealous of Dean is pointless. You're just gonna drive Rory away." Jess calls Luke Dr. Phil as Luke tells him he has to talk to Rory and not shut down all the time, avoiding her calls. Jess says he didn't want to talk and he doesn't know when he'll want to talk to her again, but that she'll find him eventually. Asshole. Luke says that eventually Rory won't want to look for him anymore. Jess says he won't be a wuss like Dean. Luke points out that Dean "had that girl" for two years. Jess is having major problems in two months. Jess says he doesn't care. The swan swims past. Jess tells him to watch it. "I'm watching!" Luke says. "It's pretty!" The swan swims past without a problem. Luke teases him until Jess rows to shore.

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Gilmore Girls

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