I don't know what time of the year it's supposed to be, but the chalkboard at this public school reads "Final Exam Today! No Talking. No Wandering Eyes. No Looking Behind You." Is it May? The other chalkboard reads "There is nothing fascinating on your palm, on your shoe, under your desk, on the floor." Lane is taking a test. The teacher announces that there are fifteen minutes left. She's a friend of friends of mine. I'm wondering why they dressed her like this scene was shot for The Wonder Years. Jess slides into class and sits behind Lane. He asks her for a pencil. She says she doesn't have one. He asks for a pen. She says he only has fifteen minutes. He asks for the answers. She says he can get the pen out of her bag. He says his mother taught him never to go into the bags of ladies: "At least, not until you're a couple of blocks away." He then has to add that he was just kidding because we couldn't tell it was a joke. ["Because that kid can't act for shit. I really hate Jess. (I was off last week so I didn't get a chance to say it then, and just in case you were wondering, I still really do.)" -- Wing Chun] Lane hands Jess a pen and tells him to shut up. Jess says small towns really are friendly. He pulls out his Vonnegut and makes notes in the margin. (I guess it's Rory's Vonnegut.) The teacher notices Jess and gives an ultra-long sigh. Good work, Friend of my Friends. Good work.
Aw, shit, y'all. Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington is now a principal. He's called Luke into his office to discuss how horrible a student Jess is. Jess's last name is Mariano, for those of you who care. All one of you. ["Douche Rob from the latest season of Survivor is also a Mariano, and since Douche Rob is from Boston, not far from Stars Hollow, I like to think he could be Jess's cousin or something. Then you could say doucheliness runs in the family." -- Wing Chun] Luke asks whether everything's okay, since he didn't see any cop cars or fire trucks outside. Freddie tells Luke to have a seat. Luke sits and asks what Jess has done. He notes the thick folder Freddie's thumbing through, and since he got a call to come over, he wants to know what Jess has done. Freddie tells him, "Nothing." Jess hasn't done any homework, classwork, or tests. Maybe Freddie can get Epstein to write him a note from Epstein's mother. Freddie complains about Jess's attitude, and that it can range from indifferent to hostile. Also, all the baseballs have disappeared from the school. Luke scoffs that Jess could steal all of those baseballs. Luke already knows that Jess is a random petty thief. Maybe he's making an awesome sculpture of gnomes, ladders, hoses, and baseballs. Luke says he'll check when he gets home. Freddie says he'd just like to focus on Jess's grades for now. Jess is failing, and will have to be held back a year. Luke says he's not good at school and won't be able to help Jess study. Freddie tells Luke to get him a relative or someone to help tutor Jess. Luke says he's the smartest one in the family. Freddie suggests a tutor. Aren't these things that Luke can figure out on his own? Freddie is pulling the acting chops we haven't seen since the "Gimme Drugs" very special episode of Welcome Back, Kotter. Luke says he'll figure something out. Freddie reminds him to check on those baseballs. He says they've been using tennis balls for the past few weeks. "Very different results," he says. Ha.