Gilmore Girls
That Damn Donna Reed

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There's Something About Rory

We open with the perfect picture: CuteDean arriving at the door with his arms full of food. Mmm. He sits next to Lorelai and Rory and asks what they're watching. It's The Donna Reed Show. Rory asks what's in the bag CuteDean brought. It's salad. CuteDean explains that it's "a quaint dish that's sometimes used to proceed large quantities of pizza." He answers the silence by adding that it's for him. Lorelai is wearing a baseball-sleeved shirt that says "Heavy Metal Rules." CuteDean asks who Donna Reed is. Lorelai: "The quintessential '50s mom with the perfect '50s family?" Rory: "Never without a smile and high heels?" Lorelai: "Hair that if you hit it with a hammer would crack?" CuteDean: "So...it's a show?" Rory: "It's a lifestyle." Lorelai: "It's a religion." Rory says that her favorite episode is when Jeff comes home from school, "and nothing happens." Lorelai says her favorite episode is when Mary gets a part-time job, "and nothing happens." CuteDean asks what the current episode is about. Lorelai explains that Donna's husband, Alex, comes home late for dinner and he didn't call. "Might as well kick the dog, too," Rory chimes in. We watch Rory and Lorelai MST3K the episode, filling in the lines for Donna and her family. They joke about how the mother and the daughter wash windows together and accidentally think impure thoughts and then punish themselves for it. They talk in sweet sing-song voices at each other and laugh. CuteDean remarks that they aren't even listening to the dialogue. Rory says that theirs is better. That's true. CuteDean forks his salad and says, "I don't know. It all seems...kinda nice to me." Apparently CuteDean is about as smart as a box of hair, because I don't know what person on this planet would ever think for a second that his sentence was an appropriate choice for the Gilmore home. Lorelai asks CuteDean to explain. He says he thinks that families hanging out together with "the wife cooking dinner for her husband" seems really nice. He adds that Donna seems happy. "She's medicated," Lorelai says. Rory points out that Donna is acting from a script. "Written by a man," Lorelai monotones. "Well said, Sister Suffragette," Rory cheers. CuteDean asks what if Donna likes doing this stuff for her family. He finally sees the "you've got to be kidding, you stupid boy" looks he's getting from the Gilmore girls and decides to keep his mouth shut. On the television, Donna tells Alex that the first ten years of their marriage she was upset that he'd been late for dinner, but that she isn't anymore because she now knows he's not late for dinner, he's just extremely early for breakfast. Lorelai and Rory shoot femme-darts into CuteDean's head. CuteDean says he's not saying a word. Lorelai and Rory give satisfied smiles as the opening credits kick in.

Lorelai and Rory walk into Luke's diner. Rory asks whether brains can hurt. Lorelai says that hypochondriacs' brains hurt all the time. Rory says that, the night before when she was studying, she heard her brain make a "ping" noise. Lorelai asks for clarification and Rory eventually says it was more like a "dink." Lorelai and Rory debate the difference between a "ping" and a "dink" until they agree that neither is probably a good sign. Rory asks whether she should call a tumor doctor. Lorelai says that, considering all the studying Rory does, she probably doesn't have a brain tumor, but that her eyesight might be deteriorating. Luke walks up. Lorelai asks whether he can take "a little constructive criticism." Luke assures her that he can't. She says she thinks the diner needs to be "spruced up" a bit. Luke says that he doesn't "spruce." Lorelai asks for clarification. Cardigan Man, at the counter, butts in to say that the town's Beautification Committee has been asking Luke to put a coat of paint or flowers or a "peppy, little cardboard pig" that announces specials up in the place for years, but Luke won't have it. Cardigan Man tells Lorelai that she might as well forget about it, as he has. Luke says that he finally agrees on a position Cardigan Man has taken. Cardigan Man starts preaching about how important it is to keep the town looking nice so that bad people don't move in, because that's when you get trouble. "Right here in River City," Lorelai finishes, pounding on the table. Luke asks whether anyone wants anything. Lorelai says that she wants to know why Luke won't paint the diner. He tells her that he can't afford to shut the place down for a day to paint it, and that he doesn't want to paint it in the middle of the night because he hates painting. Lorelai says that she'll help him paint, because she loves to paint. She wants to marry painting. Luke is disgusted. Rory tells Luke that Lorelai also loves to do dishes: "She's multi-faceted abnormal." Lorelai says it'll be fun; they'll drink beer and sing painting songs. Luke asks for clarification on what constitutes a painting song. Lorelai plays the spoons and makes up a song that goes to the tune of "9 to 5": "Grab your brush and grab your rollers, all you kids and all you bowlers. We're going painting today." Wayne Brady runs past with tears streaming down his face. "It's not that easy!" he screams. ["This was the first episode Glark ever watched with me, and I'm glad it was this one because Lorelai making up the song lyrics was very Glark." -- Wing Chun] Luke says that he supposes he could paint the place if he had help. Cardigan Man instantly gives a "hurrah!" Luke says that it's not for him. Cardigan Man rushes off to tell the rest of the committee. I like to imagine they all just sit in a room around a desk waiting for Cardigan Man to tell them what to be upset about next. Luke says he hates that Cardigan Man is pleased. Lorelai squints and says that Luke can drop a gum wrapper in front of Cardigan Man's store later. Luke growls that it's a good idea, and walks away.

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Gilmore Girls

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