Then in a cold, calculated move, we're forced to watch a Johnson & Johnson's commercial with a woman bathing a new baby in her kitchen sink. My ovaries are aching, and I'm just trying to make it through my seventh cup of coffee without being judged.
Chilton. A sign informs us: "Chilton Academy Bicentennial Speech Competition Today." So, it's Friday. Rory stands near Brad, reading her speech. Paris wanders over towards another student and reads over her shoulder. "Huh," she says loudly. She asks if that speech is under four thousand words, because it looks a little long. The girl says she counted them, but immediately begins counting again as Paris walks off. Paris approaches a blonde student named Shelly and wishes her good luck, saying she knows she's going to be great: "After all, there's hardly anything on stage for you to trip over this time, right?" Shelly will now trip over everything. Poor Shelly. She melts and pouts into her speech as Paris walks over to Rory and Brad. She sits beside Brad and begins singing a song about beans from Into the Woods. Brad tells her stop, but Paris doesn't. Brad says he was proud of his part. "The New York Times called me 'winningly naïve.'" My friend and I were recently making a similar joke, when the L.A. Times called her "particularly effective." Paris keeps singing until Rory tells her to stop. "That is one annoying song," Paris notes. Rory tells her to leave Brad alone. Rory accuses Paris of trying to scare everyone so they'll do poorly, but Paris denies it. Paris says she was just trying to give Brad some much-needed human contact, since he's only been talking to a cow for the past year and a half. Brad loses it: "There is a person inside that cow! I've told you that!" The auditor calls in Brad, who immediately shouts, "I'm winningly naïve!" Brad goes in to deliver his speech, but not before Paris asks if he has his beans. Rory tells Brad he'll do great, and he leaves. Rory says that Paris's speech must really suck if she's going through so much trouble to psyche everyone out. Paris says that mind games aren't really Rory's forte. A redhead sits beside Paris with as much gusto as one extra can. Her name is Cherry, since her hair is red. Paris compliments her shiny braces. Cherry pouts.
Lorelai's leaving her house when her cell phone goes off. It's Sookie, who just told Jackson that she's pregnant. She bought flowers and chilled glasses and opened a bottle of champagne, but then the cork broke the window and she had to clean up the glass and then tape cardboard over the hole. And then she knocked over the bottle of champagne and had to get out the mop. Lorelai, who doesn't like it when the topic isn't squarely directed on her, unsympathetically tells Sookie that she's hitting the fast-forward button. Sookie says she gave Jackson a beer, smiled, kissed him and told him he was going to be a daddy. Then he got out the calculator, and he's been crunching numbers for two hours. Lorelai is outraged that "Mr. Four in Four" isn't celebrating getting his family off to an early start. Sookie says that every fifteen minutes he moans, "Oh, boy!" Then we hear him do one. Lorelai says he must be in shock. Sookie says this wasn't how it was supposed to go. Lorelai says Jackson loves Sookie and wants this. She tells Sookie to hang in there. They hang up. Jackson runs into the room, a stream of calculator print-outs cascading from his hand. "Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy!" he moans.