Gilmore Girls
The Big One

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Teen Sex Ruins Lives

Luke walks up to the table and hands out menus. The menus are new. This is impressive to Rory and Lane, but Lorelai hates change. She holds the offending item with two fingers and demands to know why Luke changed his menus. She's upset because she Hirschfelded all of the old menus (made tiny doodles with her name in them), and now these new menus are laminated, preventing doodles. It seems that Nicole asked Luke to get new menus, change a few items, and add some more salads, so he did. Huh. Well, this is not good news for Lorelai, who wants to be the only double cheeseburger on his skillet, so she's instantly teasing Luke about changing his life for his super-new girlfriend. Lorelai asks, if Luke and Nicole get serious, will the entire place go soy? Lane notes that Luke got rid of the Monte Cristo. "No!" Rory yells. Lorelai takes a moment of silence for the passing of the Monte Cristo. My boyfriend asks what a Monte Cristo is. "It's a deep-fried ham and cheese sandwich covered in powdered sugar that you dip in raspberry preserves," I answer. He looks at me as if I had just said, "Chocolate-covered baby fingers wrapped in bacon and served with brussel sprouts." I inform him that the Monte Cristo has three thousand calories and then ask how he ever grew up without the defining high-school experience of going on a date at Bennigans. Lorelai teases that Nicole has Luke "menu-whipped." Luke grumps that nobody ate the Monte Cristo anyway. The girls say that it was just comforting to have it on the menu and have it as an option. "Like soup," Rory whines. "Exactly," Lorelai says. "It was comforting like deep-fried ham and cheese soup." Add to that fact that the girls used to talk about ordering it, so now that the sandwich is gone, they have nothing to talk about. Luke hands them three of the old menus. Lorelai holds up the old menu and pouts, "How come everybody else gets a new menu?" Kick her out of the restaurant. A better closing joke might have been a callback to the Hirschfeld drawings, where the girls all note which doodle they got on their menus. Then Lorelai wouldn't have come off as such an asshole. Lorelai, pleased with Luke's fury, puts away the allergy medicine, saying she feels much better now.

Chilton. The new teacher looks familiar, but I can't place her. She passes out graded tests, complimenting the students for still studying even though the SATs are over. "Most of you," she adds, giving Louisa a glare. Louisa sees her shitty grade and calls it "Michael Mason." She then says he was more than worth every wrong answer. The teacher takes the front of the class and says, "Exposition, exposition, exposition, exposition. Plot point, plot point, informative blah-dee-blah." Louisa shows off a hickey on her neck that should be medically examined before she gets a blood clot to the brain. There's a Chilton bicentennial next week, and there's a speech contest on Friday, and the winner will present the speech at the ceremony next Friday night, which for reasons unknown will be broadcast on C-SPAN. As the bell rings, the teacher welcomes back our man Brad, who just got back from Broadway, where he was in Into the Woods. I wouldn't have known this, but you guys are smart, and on the forum I read that the actor playing Brad actually was in Into the Woods. The class gives a polite golf clap as Brad thanks everyone and says it's good to be back. "Sit down, Mary Martin," Paris drones.

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Gilmore Girls

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