Gilmore Girls
The Fundamental Things Apply

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Rory Bores People

Poor Rory never gets a weekend to herself. Driving home this Friday afternoon, she finds Lorelai in the front yard, gardening. Hey! Come on, Rory. Back dat ass up. Man, it's wrong that I think Rory's body just gets hotter. I know it is. I can't help it. I'm a monster! It seems Babette gave Lorelai a few bulbs to tend to, to help with her lonely, daughter-less existence. Lorelai, being Lorelai, tossed the bulbs in the crisper and promptly forgot about them. But now Babette's asking about them, so Lorelai has set about the task of planting moldy bulbs. Rory's just like me -- her new short hair is already back in the handy ponytail. Rory tells Lorelai that even though she's not a botanist, she's pretty sure that nothing will grow from the lump of mold. Before Lorelai can tell Rory why she didn't just throw the bulbs away, Babette leans out her front door and asks Lorelai if the gardening is making her feel better. Babette tells Rory that she's looking out for her mother. "And just you wait until spring," she says to Lorelai. "You're gonna walk out one morning, walk out and POW! Color coming out of your yin-yang!" Babette goes back into her house. Lorelai brags to Rory that she's going to have color coming out of her yin-yang. Rory scores the best line of the episode here: "Well, then maybe you'll finally get a man." Ha! Bonus points for Lorelai's perfect facial response.

Rory declares the moldy bulbs the grossest things ever. Lorelai tosses it away, telling her to forget about them. She asks about school. Rory says it's hard, but good. (Dirty!) Rory tells Lorelai that Paris and Janet are fighting because Janet gets up at 5:30 to go jogging and her alarm wakes Paris. I can't believe that Paris isn't halfway through her latest craft by 5:30. Rory interrupts her story by picking up a bulb and getting so grossed out by it that she tosses it at Lorelai. Lorelai shrieks and shouts, "You bulbed me! You bulbed me!" Rory squeals that she was trying to throw it somewhere else. Lorelai is frantic that the bulb touched her hand, and Rory tells her to shake it off. Lorelai instead wipes it on Rory's arm, which causes Rory to squeal and complain that Lorelai ruined her nice shirt. It is a nice shirt, and I covet it. Lorelai apologizes and claims it was a reflex, but Rory accuses Lorelai of never liking the shirt. Then Rory jumps up screeching, claiming there's something crawling up her leg. She gets up and does a one-legged dance as Lorelai tries to help. Lorelai hits it off, and in an awkward moment of direction both screechy women just flop onto their backs, exhausted from ridding their bodies of both moldy bulbs and unseen insects. After some giggling, Rory uses much alliteration to make Lorelai promise to decline any future bulb bags from Babette. Fade to opening credits.

Rory is trying to sleep in her dorm room (so I guess it's the next week? I'm not going to worry about it). But outside her door, Paris and Janet are arguing about whether or not the common room smells like a locker room. Then the Foley artist gets out of control on the "door opening/door slamming" sound effect for when Paris storms back into the room. Seriously, it's like I'm playing Doom. Rory asks if her alarm went off. Paris says she shut it off, since "Workout Barbie" is all the alarm they need. I miss the next couple of lines, because the bottom of the screen reads "and Traci Elizabeth Lords." I suppose some of you might be too young to know who that woman is, and why it's funny that she now has three names, and even funnier that she wasn't even hyped as a guest star of the show. If you don't know who she is, you may not get it when I proceed to make seventy-five blowjob jokes in this recap. Just rent Cry-Baby. For those of you who have just discovered Johnny Depp, you'll thank me later. Anyway, Miss Lords used to usually be the special guest of a different kind of girly show. Paris gives a good rendition of one of those Traci Lords films, when she complains about the sounds Janet makes in the morning: "Come on, Janet. Push it, Janet. Love the pain, Janet." Rory freaks out when she sees what time it is, as breakfast will be over in five minutes. As if this girl doesn't have a drawer of Pop Tarts. Paris says that it's even worse because it's Tuesday (Oh. Really?), and that's "Waffle Bar Day." Rory asks why Paris didn't wake her. Paris screams that she's the victim here, and she can't be blamed for anything. Track seven: Really Loud Door Opening/Slamming is played again.

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Gilmore Girls

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