Rory and Lorelai leave as a "guy in a suit" shows up at the dinner. Luke is prompted to say "goody." He's Russell Bynes, and he's with Blodgett, Sage, Albet, Petruchio, Stein, Lemming and Stein. (Petruchio is the name of the male lead in Taming of the Shrew. Sage is the name of my family dog.) "And the sun just went down," Luke grumps. He says he only wanted to know where he should sign, and that it didn't require a visit. Mr. Bynes says there isn't a place to sign because this is just a document informing him of the type of action being filed. "Didn't you read the papers?" Mr. Bynes asks. Luke gives Mr. Bynes a rundown of today's newspaper: "I didn't kill anyone. Nicole and I just accidentally got married and now we want out." Maybe he should call Nicole. "We both want the same thing," Luke insists. The lawyer tells Luke not to "play" him. Luke doesn't want to talk anymore, and Mr. Bynes says he should only be dealing with Luke's legal representation anyway, and that Luke's refusal to give Mr. Bynes Luke's lawyer's information will only prolong the process. Luke asks if Mr. Bynes will leave once he gets the lawyer's name. Mr. Bynes says he will, and produces a pen. Luke tells the oldest lawyer joke in the world -- "Dewey, Cheatem and Howe." This joke so old that the punchline is "And how!" -- a phrase we haven't said since people picked up the phone and said, "Operator? Get me 294 Beacon!" Aces, Johnny. Aces! Mr. Bynes calls Luke immature, and says his bosses are going to want to hear about this. Luke says he's sure Mr. Bynes's bosses have heard that joke before. He then gives Mr. Bynes his lawyer's phone number (555-5555). The lawyer leaves, but Lorelai returns, holding up the stick diagram. "Nothing's where it says it is," she whines. Luke turns the napkin upside down. I hope Cesar gets hit in the face with a cream pie next!
"Yale." Rory drives her fancy car and parks it behind the truck. Lorelai tells Rory that everybody at Yale already hates her for her parking spot. Like there isn't a freshman parking lot. The only girls who got to park on the street in front of my dorm were basketball players and faculty. Rory and Lorelai are parked at meters, but they don't bother feeding them. A girl comes up to them and asks for a name. Lorelai immediately begins lying that someone told her it'd be fine to hold the spot -- some guy with a name and a jacket. The girl says she's just wondering what Rory's name is, since she's a freshman orientation girl. I'm going to keep comparing this to my freshman year, just so you know. We had to go to UT for a weekend during the summer to learn about the gigantic campus, and register for classes, and get accustomed to things so we didn't become completely unhinged on the first day. But that first day at school, during "Moove-In" (Bevo, the mascot, is a Longhorn, you see), you basically got your parents to drop your stuff off. You then had to move your car a million blocks away to your designated parking spot (the Kinsolving parking lot had forty-five parking spaces for a dorm that held about a thousand girls), and then your parents were gone. There was no advisor. There was only you, a cart, and the hundred-dollar bill your father gave you when nobody was looking so you didn't sell your plasma in the first month of school. The girl looks over her clipboard going, "Rory Gilmore. Rory Gilmore. There you are!" Actually, the clipboard would have said "Lorelai Gilmore" and for some reason on this girl's list, the G's are right at the top. The girl and Rory shake hands, and Lorelai takes a picture. Rory would be embarrassed, but the girl tells her that all parents do what Lorelai is doing. The girl introduces herself as Tess, and says she's Rory's freshman counselor. She says she'll be living in the building to help Rory with whatever she needs. Lorelai says that Tess looks twenty-one, which will be convenient for beer runs. Tess says she'll be giving a tour later for "Durfee girls," which is I guess the dorm Rory's living in. Rory recites the itinerary for the day. "Yeah, she's not weird or anything," Lorelai promises. "She just has a good memory." Tess says she sees that Rory brought her own mattress. Lorelai starts lying again about how people told her she could do that. Tess says it's fine as long as Lorelai arranged for someone to come and dispose of the old mattress. Lorelai says she did that. Tess tells Lorelai to get her camera ready, because Tess is giving Rory her key. Lorelai takes a picture, and Tess tells Rory she'll see her at the tour. Good thing you don't have to show ID or sign any paperwork before handing off the key to one of the dorm rooms. Lorelai says she's dying to see Rory's room, and they start grabbing bags.