Gilmore Girls
Welcome To The Doll House

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In the Stars Hollow square, Kirk is sitting in a booth, promoting the town's tourist attractions. He tells a visiting family about the miniature golf course, where he holds the single-round record. Menacingly, he informs the children that the place has closed-circuit TV monitoring: "So, you can forget about mulligans." Lorelai walks up as Kirk's telling them not to forget to see the giant urn at Luke's. "Lorelai," he says. "I'm sitting in a little gazebo." She says she can see that. "If you look real quick," he goes on, "you might think it's a regular-sized gazebo and that I'm a giant." Uh...wha? God, this episode is not funny. If you look really quick, you might think it's a regular-sized episode and that these lines are...stupid. Kirk gives Lorelai the latest version of the historic Stars Hollow map. Looking it over, she discovers that the Dragonfly is not on the map. Kirk explains that it only shows historic Stars Hollow. She insists that the Inn SHOULD be on it, but he says that since she rejected her street name, she couldn't be on it. Lorelai's pissed. Kirk blames Taylor. Lorelai wonders how, since they only talked about the street names that morning, she could already be off the map. "You know the old saying," he says. "'Cross the Don in the morning; sleep with the fishes in the afternoon.' Plus, Taylor has one of those really fast laser printers." (I know it's boring to nitpick stuff like this, but...you can't print a multi-fold map on any size laser printer.) Lorelai continues to protest. Kirk says he's just the messenger. "Assistant to the messenger," he clarifies, spoofing The Office. "Taylor's been clear on that."

Exasperated, Lorelai leaves and goes home, where she has to walk through a veritable mine field of boxes and fountains and urns, all presumably delivered by Emily. Oh, and what's that we hear? The phone ringing? It's Mrs. UPS 2005 herself, calling this time to deliver some of her hatefulness unboxed and in person. She says she's turning Lorelai's old room into a gift-wrapping room, and needs to get rid of Lorelai's old doll house, since she has no place to store it. Looking around at all the crap covering her house, Lorelai suggests that she put it in the basement: "There must be oodles of space down there right about now." Emily says she's been doing some house cleaning, and that she's only sent Lorelai the things she was going to eventually give her anyway. She asks again if Lorelai wants the doll house, and says she needs to know the exact time she'll be coming by to get it. Lorelai says that of course she wants it, and that she'll get it as soon as possible. "Call me the moment you work out your schedule," says her witch of a mother who HAS no schedule other than whatever is required to throw parties and torture maids. Lorelai says that she will, the very moment, and flings the phone down in disgust.

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Gilmore Girls

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