Gilmore Girls
You've Been Gilmored

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Con Men And Trotskyites!

"Everyone," Paris shouts. "I have a little announcement." She says that it has become increasingly clear that she has become the story at the Yale Daily News and that it has overshadowed their journalistic efforts. (I am thinking some of speech this was taken from Howell Raines's resignation at The New York Times, but I can't source it. I feel like it's from something.) "Well," she says, "I don't want to be the story at my own newspaper, because then I'd be Judith Miller, and I'd have to wear my bangs too long, and overdo my lipstick." Hee. She says she doesn't want that and therefore is tendering her resignation immediately. She says that the paper has overcome numerous obstacles in its august history and that it will easily overcome this. "My resignation will be a loss," she says. "But it will be a loss the Daily News can survive, and will survive, and it is a loss it must survive. Luke is at the Inn, drilling something (not like that!), complaining to Lorelai about going to her parents' house for dinner. "Your parents are not warm people," he says, making the understatement of the century. Lorelai agrees: "They were extras in March of the Penguins." Luke suggests that maybe they could go and just skip the drinks portion of the evening. "Luke," Lorelai says, "you don't skip the one activity that makes the rest of the evening miraculously tolerable. The drinks fortify us! The drinks give us strength! The drinks...get us drunk!" Hear, hear. Luke says it just takes forever, and that he'll have to sit there and talk to Richard about stocks and literature and feel like an idiot because he knows nothing about either: "How many times can two people have the same awful conversation?" Oh, Luke. If you could only meet my father-in-law. Lorelai says that her plan to get out earlier is to fake food poisoning during the dessert course and have Luke rush her to the car. "Fake stomach pain is my specialty," she says. "That, and getting my fiancé to agree to horrible things he hates!"

Lorelai makes a quick exit on this, only to run into Michel. He asks what Luke is doing making repairs at the Inn, when they have a handyman, Parker, employed for that reason. Lorelai says that's true, but that Luke offered and, wink-wink, "the price was right." Michel gets his bitch on -- or should I say his beetch? -- and smart-assedly comments about Luke's price. "Well," Lorelai says, "I did have to give him a coupon for a hundred free snuggles. Parker always kind of turned up his nose at my snuggle bucks." Michel is not amused. He says that if the Inn is going to start hiring non-professionals to do the work there, maybe they can hire his cousin to do accounting. "She's got her own calculator," he says. Lorelai says it's not like Luke is doing open-heart surgery -- he's fixing a few things and saving them money. Michel snits that Luke's not doing a good job, and Lorelai suggests that Michel tell Luke what he wants. Michel says it would be absurd for him to follow Luke around, correcting his every mistake. "We will sit down and make a detailed list of everything we need done," he says, "and he can consult that." Though this is a good suggestion, Lorelai says that Luke does not need a list; he has a sixth sense about things that need to be fixed. Michel once again expresses his lack of confidence in this method, and says that he'll do a walk-through with Luke. Lorelai repeats that Luke has it covered, and that it won't be necessary. Yes, Controlelai, be sure to manage everyone's every thought and move when it comes to Luke, who has reached the stage of curmudgeonlihood that you fear he won't be able to have a conversation with another human being.

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Gilmore Girls

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