Girls Club

Episode Report Card
Heathen: D+ | Grade It Now!

Halls of Bustice. Felicity addresses the jury, explaining that evidence proves the victim taught Noel in sixth grade and that he was obsessed with her then; he had recently become obsessed again, and they might've even been lovers. "I will not mislead you," Felicity drones melodramatically. "There are many unanswered questions." Felicity Huffman sucks. I never thought I'd say that, but she's chewing on every word like it's taffy, and it makes me want to scream at her to start eating something a little less sticky. She tells the jury that Noel killed someone called Michelle, and that they'll never understand why, but that it happened. She turns, and Lynne makes nervous eye-contact with Felicity. Everything moves in slow motion. She stares at bored jurors. She stares at the sassy black judge. She stares at Felicity's terrible haircut. She stares at Noel's doughy face. She stares at her opening statement. Then, she stands up and mercifully saves us all a lot of time. "The evidence will not establish that [Noel] killed Michelle Aronson, because he didn't," she says simply, sitting down. Felicity stares at her pityingly.

"Did you freeze?" Giancarlo asks. Lynne insists that she didn't. "You showed me your opening," he says. "It was seventeen double-spaced pages." Oh my God, in what universe was that a good idea? Lynne says she felt, in the moment, that brevity was the right choice. I will second that until the cows come home and sit down to a rare steak dinner. Giancarlo thinks she's an idiot for deferring to forensic evidence.

Club Meeting. Hallway. Sarah's specs are back on, and Clare's coat is off, revealing her shirt. It's a green satiny thing with brown stuff sprouting all over it. She looks like she's playing a tree in a second-grade play. "If I ever make partner, shoot me if I act like one," growls Lynne. Sarah would prefer to make it about her, so she says she'd prefer Giancarlo over The Praying Mantis. Then, she stops, because she sees her archrival Randa standing by a bookshelf. I've recapped Randa before. The actress and I had a five-episode fling during Deadline, and she sucked then, and I think she's about to Hoover up the joint all over again.

"The Praying Mantis hated my portion of the brief, but she very much liked yours," Sarah says to Randa, her anger barely controlled. "I heard, sorry," Randa replies, uncaring. Sarah tries to bust her for ratting out which portion of the brief was hers, and Randa claims Meredith asked her and she couldn't very well pretend she didn't remember. Which is actually true. Randa seems like a bitch, but she's be a really stupid bitch if she lied to her boss. "You told me she disliked short sentences, that she felt short sentences made the writing feel pedestrian," Sarah seethes. "I never said she likes Yeats," counters Randa with a nasty smile. Sarah politely all-but-accuses Randa of trying to sabotage Sarah's career. "That brief was a reflection on both of us," Randa points out, still sneering. "The Praying Mantis knows exactly which part reflected on me," Sarah fumes. Girl, she screwed you, sure. But get over it and do it right the next time instead of pouting about it. Sarah reminds all the home viewers that only one of them will get to argue this motion officially. "A good attorney doesn't blame others, Sarah," Randa smiles coldly. "She just shortens her sentences." Sarah leaves in a huff.

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Girls Club




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