ANY-way, Rachel insists that the show must go on, so Single-T Tina heads out to the stage to drone, as promised, Lykke Li's unbearable "I Follow Rivers." Fortunately, Sue's heckling minions immediately start hurling invective at her, so Single-T Tina has little choice but to scurry right back into the music room from whence she came, where Mr. Schue rather gratingly decides to turn the whole thing into A Teachable Moment by noting they might find themselves in front of a hostile audience at Nationals. So, you know, this experience is pretty much a good thing as far as he's concerned. Shove it, hairdo.
Still, Mr. Schue decides it might be for the best if they "shut those hecklers up for a number or two," and to that end, he sends Quinn out into the audience with several boxes of saltwater taffy, which she freely distributes to Sandy, Jewfro, Azimio, and Becky for reasons I hope are obvious just as Lady Lips announces "the dance stylings of Mr. Gaylord Wiener as he busts a move to Jack Johnson's 'Bubble Toes,'" and fuck. ME. GOD, Jack Johnson SUCKS. No, seriously: SUCKS! And I swear to the freshly arisen Christ Himself that the fucking radio station they played every single goddamned day in my office in Chicago would feature this fucking song every fucking hour of every single fucking day OF THE YEAR. This and Pablo Fucking Nutini's "New Shoes." Fucking earthy-crunchy Boomer-hipster BULLSHIT, is what it is. AUAUAUAUUUUAAAUUUUUUUGH.
Ahem. Sorry about that. And so sorry I can't go back and watch Gaylord's routine again to let you know how he did, because I'm pretty sure I'll rupture something if I do. For whatever it's worth, I'm nearly certain he was prancing around with a mop at some point so, you know. There's that.
In any event, Gaylord returns to the music room in triumph, mainly because Sue's minions were too busy shoving taffy into their mouths to scream at him. Next up is Mercedes, but there is, of course, a problem: "Mercedes has left the building," Lauren announces to anyone who's still bothering to listen to her at this point, because "Miss Jones has not appreciated the way she's been treated, and is refusing to go on." "You guys go find Mercedes," Gwyneth calls out. "I'm gonna go deal with the haters!" Joy. Thank God there's a commercial break right now, because I definitely need the next few minutes to brace myself for the filth that's about to hit my television screen.