"Aretha is my Kryptonite," Sandy mournfully admits, but Sue's already moved on to Sergeant Handsome, from whom she orders an explanation for his pathetic failures this evening. "Hey, I did get them to break up," he protests. "Who knew it was gonna be amicable, and sort of have nothing to do with me?" "I pulled Ongina out of the benefit," he adds. "Don't I get credit for that?" "No," Sue duuuuuhs, and so we are thus left with The Honey Badger. "In my hour of need," Sue croons, "I turn to you -- your time has come!" Batshit Terri's eyes light up -- crazily! -- and we are left wondering if this episode would have been any better had they actually given Jessalyn Gilsig something to do tonight. And then we remember Precious Precious Gwynnie's monstrously self-serving speech to the hecklers, and we start pointing and laughing at ourselves because oh, my holy hell, nothing could have saved this shit.

Smarty Pants Finals! Live from Detroit! Rod Remington's still hosting, for some inexplicable reason, and the Brainiacs' opponents from Riverfront Academy include "D. Lightman," "L. Dobler," "G. LaChance," and "Travis Strong." Just so you know. Naturally, we arrive just as the teams head into a tiebreaker, and after Artie and the gang take a moment to give a shout-out to their Glee peeps, Rod Remington announces the final category: "Hermaphrodite Nazi Sympathizers." DING! Artie and Brit-Brit positively beam at each other with sly joy right before we finally cut to black.

Next week: An hour and a half of Lady Gaga. God help us all.

Demian needs a drink. You may reach him with cocktail suggestions at demian_twop@yahoo.com.

Listen to the Glee version of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" early.