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A Night Of CRAP

Smear back to the music room, where Quinn agrees that "nobody cares about us," which for some mysterious reason sets off Gaylord Wiener, who huffily gathers up his backpack and stomps towards the exit, pouting, "I can't listen to this!" "You okay?" Mr. Schue asks, conveniently stopping Gaylord dead in his tracks so the latter might lecture his fellows thusly: "You guys complain all the time about being mistreated, but you have no idea what it's like to work your butt of for something and have everyone -- even your friends -- ignore you!" Lauren leans in close to Puck's ear and murmurs, "I'm still trying to remember his name." You and me both, sweetie. You and me both. Gaylord, utterly oblivious to the two of us, of course, gestures for Artie, Single-T Tina, and Brit-Brit to join him on the floor and, once they've arrived at his side, he explains that the four have been part of "the Brainiacs" for many, many months now. Just go with it. "Isn't that the academic decathlon team?" Rachel prompts. Artie confirms this and adds that he and the other Brainiacs went on something called The Smarty Pants Show, where they beat the team from Carmel High to secure a spot at the academic decathlon finals in Detroit next week.

"Wait," Mr. Schue interrupts. "I get the three of you being on the team," he begins, gesturing at exactly the three people you think he's gesturing at, "but Brittany?" "Liz Schneider was our fourth," Gaylord admits, "but she got rubella." "Her parents are dipshits who don't believe in vaccinations," Single-T Tina offers by way of explanation. "Brittany was the only person we could find on short notice," Artie adds, noting that they bribed Brit-Brit with Dots.

Smear sideways to Brit-Brit unconcernedly sucking on one of those Dots during the recent on-air competition as Artie's voiceover narrates, "That Sunshine Corazon that Rachel sent to a crack house was on the other team." By now, the camera's swept over to take in the utterly unnecessary guest star in question as she slaughters the contest's "Deadly Cyclones" category. The show, incidentally, is hosted by Rod Remington, but as he offers absolutely nothing of note to the proceedings, I'll be ignoring his presence in favor of focusing on how Brit-Brit saves the day. Quite fortuitously, one of the remaining categories -- among options such as "Defunct Sodas," "Famous Mervs," and "Fat Or Pregnant" -- is "Cat Diseases," and wouldn't you know it? Our dear little Brit-Brit is quite well-versed in that particular subject. In fact, she shows Rain Man-like levels of expertise, rattling off correct responses to questions on feline AIDS, ringworm, conjunctivitis, and kidney failure, thereby vaulting the Brainiacs into a tie with Carmel. And as the tie-breaker comes from the category "White Rappers" -- the announcement of which makes Artie positively beam with sly joy -- well, you do the math.

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