Cut to Sue's office, where Will and Coach Beiste supervise as several of the football players liberate Sue's ill-gotten gains, with Will instructing the jocks to place the booty beneath the tree in the music room. "Can you believe it?" Will sighs. "Six different people got Sue a Shake Weight." I'd link to South Park's recent takedown of the illustrious Shake Weight, but this is a family site, for fuck's sake. While Will and Coach Beiste review the inventory they've drawn up, Sue appears in the doorway and loudly instructs Becky to retrieve the tear gas from the glove box of her Le Car before getting Gloria Allred on the phone. Becky darts off to comply with Sue's request, but neither Will nor Coach Beiste seem the slightest bit fazed by Sue's threats, with Will noting that the staff has agreed to donate the gifts they purchased to that mythic McKinney-Vento Homeless Children And Youth Program about which I can find nothing on the Internets. "This will not stand!" Sue vows. "I have legal rights to those gifts!" Not so, claims Will, who checked with the school's human resources department, which granted the faculty permission to repossess any goods Sue managed to procure for herself through "misrepresentation." "Ho, ho, ho!" Will adds as a stinging rebuke before exiting with The Beiste, but alas! He makes the fatal error of calling Sue "a grinch," and we can already tell that Sue's vengeance for this slight will be both swift and merciless.

Locker room, and while this scene is actually one of the most ridiculous of the evening -- and that's saying a lot -- the payoff is actually quite sweet, so instead of focusing on all of the stupidity, I'll skim through it to yank out its central point: Artie, Lady Lips, Gaylord, and Puck prevail upon Coach Beiste to dress up as Santa Claus, sneak into Brittany's house, and gently inform her that her wish for Artie is impossible to grant. Got all that? Good. Next!

Sue's office, that evening. Becky -- who's got a black piece of something or other stuck to the tip of her nose for some mysterious reason -- unwraps the "hideous gloves" the general staff decided to buy Sue as punishment for the entire Secret Santa debacle, and if the general staff thought Sue would be insulted by the puke-green monstrosities, the general staff was sadly mistaken. "They'll come in handy!" Sue enthuses. "No fingerprints!" "I don't understand why we have to dress up," Becky frowns as she dons a headpiece featuring two floppy brown dog ears on either side of an enormous antler, and they're not... I mean, they can't possibly... Oh, my holy God, they totally are. They are totally ripping off How The Grinch Stole Christmas!, with Becky in the role of loyal Grinch sidekick Reindog Max, and Sue as The Grinch himself. Or, you know, herself. Whatever. To that end, Sue's procured for herself a full Grinch Santa Claus outfit, and is currently spackling her face with about an inch of green makeup. "How'm I looking?" Sue asks. "Fantastic, Coach!" Becky steadfastly replies. "You know," Sue reminisces as she finishes with her mask, "my mastery of camouflage is the only thing that kept me from being court-martialed after that My Lai misunderstanding." And here I thought Sue was only twenty-nine years old. What other fiendish lies has she told over the last season and a half?