Maharishi's Bureau of Budget-Cutting. Sue is reacting to the news that the Cheerios' budget is being cut: "You can't cut my budget without written consent from the President of the Federal Reserve! It's in my contract!" Figgins thinks she can get by with two fewer confetti cannons. Will's also upset, but in that quiet, passive way he has -- Glee Club's budget is being cut by 10%, including funding for transportation to and from events. And then we hear a deep, velvety voice telling us that the cuts are mandated by the school district, which has decided that the way to build up alumni donations is to build a winning football team. That voice does not belong to Mel Tormé (which would have been a real coup for this show, in more ways than one). It's the new football coach, Ms. Shannon Beiste (who I sincerely hope does not seek to wreak her wrathful vengeance on me for misspelling her name in the recaplet). And let's just get this out of the way: this character is not a man in drag, nor is she (to my knowledge) a female-to-male transgendered person. Neither is the actor, a woman named Dot Jones. She's just a big, strong woman. The kind of woman who wins arm-wrestling and weightlifting competitions. The kind of woman who, due to Hollywood's short-sightedness, is always called on to play big scary women who are supposed to make men feel emasculated (women who are often just known as "nurse" or "prison guard." Although I'm pleased to see that she played a character named "Skittlez" on two episodes of Prison Break). Anyway, back to the scene at hand. Sue asks who this newcomer is and Ms. Beiste introduces herself.
Will asks what happened to Ken Tanaka. Instead of admitting that his dramatic possibilities had been exhausted once his romance with Emma was well and truly over, Figgins just tells Will that he had a nervous breakdown. Figgins tells them that if the football team starts drawing in alumni donations, he'll be able to restore money to Glee Club and the Cheerios. And since Ms. Beiste has just won five consecutive All-Missouri Conference titles, she stands a good chance of turning our Lima losers around. Sue gets into Beiste's face, starts by telling her that a female football coach, like a male nurse, is a sin against nature, and then tells her that nobody comes into Sue's house and steals from her. And that's when Beiste gets, um, beastly. She refers to herself in the third-person as "the Panther," and tells Sue to back on up out of her grill. Beiste: "You're all coffee and no omelet." Sue, with a twitch in one eye: "That doesn't make any sense." Will, in his offensively non-offensive way, asks the Panther to sympathize with them, since their budgets are being cut. He agrees with her that it's ridiculous that the Cheerios have a bigger budget than the football team they're supposed to be cheering for, but thinks she should show some pity for his tiny little band of misfit toys. But the Panther has no sympathy for losers, telling him that a losing club that wants more money "is a steer with six teats and no oink." And then she oinks in Sue's face. I think I just fell in love.