Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | Grade It Now!
Mullet With Headlights?

The next day, Mr. Schue's roaming the McKinley halls and receiving quite a lot of unwanted attention thanks to Emma's psychotic break in the teacher's lounge. "Hey, manwhore!" Sue casually greets him as they pass in opposite directions, and then Molly Shannon's back to introduce herself to him as the new alcoholic, pill-popping astronomy teacher-slash-badminton coach, and after she tries to yank him into the janitor's closet to "pork," she thankfully vanishes so Maharishi Figgins might assure Mr. Schue, "I'm praying for you, William -- we've all heard about your gallivanting!" Heh. And then a noticeably larger Ken Tanaka pops up to chide him for playing fast and loose with Psychotic Emma's feelings, and while it's nice to see him for the first time in what feels like forever, far more amusing are the two letter-jacketed jocks in the background who bow down to Will all, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!" Hee! Finally, just to add yet another insult to Will's injury, Sue breezes past Mr. Schue once more with a quick and chipper, "Slut!" HA!

Back from the break, Artie offers Kurt a few last-minute instructions like so: "Remember, if Sylvester hits you in the face after you cop to posting the video, don't scream like a woman." "Thank you!" Kurt peeps, his face frozen in terror. Heh. And then it's time for the much-feared confrontation. Kurt, excessively polite: "Coach Sylvester, could I have just a minute of your time?" Sue, curt: "What do you want, Lady Face?" Tina, Artie, Mercedes, and Brittany involuntarily lean forward, breathless. Kurt, babbling his obviously rehearsed speech so as to get it over with as quickly as possible: "You're aware a tape was leaked onto the Internet causing you to become a national laughingstock? We stole the tape from your syringe-and-pill drawer, we posted it online, and we'll accept whatever punishment you see fit." Sue, vaguely menacing: "So it was you." Pause. "I can't thank you enough!" Sue smiles and continues on her way, leaving shell-shocked Kurt looking like he's about to pass out right there in the middle of the hall.

Moments later in the music room, the five still-shocked would-be badasses search YouTube for clues as to Sue's unexpectedly sunny demeanor and find...

...a complete revamp of the 1981 "Physical" video starring both Miss Olivia Newton-John and Sue Sylvester! Well, it's not a complete revamp, as they've replicated the original's set, but there's nary a pasty obese fat man in sight, and as none of the exceptionally well-toned nipple ponies on display bears the slightest resemblance to this lovely late-'70s lothario, I'm inclined to call this remake a smashing success. Especially when the nipple ponies pull this absolutely unbelievable stunt where they, like, leap four feet into the air from a standard push-up position on the ground. How the Christ did they do that? By the way, these boys also know how to move -- you know, in the dancing sense -- which is another vast improvement over the 1981 version, which featured gentlemen of the stand-and-pose variety who, while era-appropriate, are boring as all crap to watch. And while some have complained that Sue's lines have been vocoded to hell and back, the results are reminding me of a ton of early-'80s synth pop, so I'm not having a problem with that, either. Brava, ladies! (Yes, I'm including the nipple ponies in the "Brava," as well.)

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