Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | Grade It Now!
Mullet With Headlights?

Hall. Jesse St. James appears at Rachel's locker to upbraid her yet again for her "Run Joey Run" shenanigans, and as his lust-worthy eyebrows have now veered firmly into some very dangerous territory, I'll do my best to transcribe the rather amusing speech he delivers: "You know, before I transferred here to make you my girlfriend, I asked around about you -- found out your rep, what kind of girl you were. Most of them had no idea who you were. The ones that did said you were kind of sneaky-hot, but that quality was cancelled out by a compulsive need to be right and a strange affinity for sweaters with animals on them. The most interesting part was that, even though no one particularly liked you, they all said you were a person who could be trusted." It's difficult to tell which detail in that has injured Rachel most: Her perpetual near-anonymity at McKinley despite everything she's done to draw attention both favorable and unfavorable to herself, or the fact that Jesse St. James just implied she has bad taste in sweaters. And, you know, is also untrustworthy. "As the guy who gave up everything to be your one and only," Jesse continues, "I just can't see past this -- I should have been enough for you!" Rachel, her face the very picture of misery, whimpers, "I knew you'd break my heart." "That's the funny thing about reputations," Jesse and His Extremely Dangerous Eyebrows reply, "everyone thinks I'm the big heartbreaker, but the fact of the matter is, you broke mine first." Aw. He's lying, of course, but still: Aw. "Do me a favor," he concludes, straightening up a bit after leaning in to deliver that last devastating blow, "if we end up next to each other on the barre in Ballet Club this week, just do your arabesques and piqués in silence? Don't talk to me." HA!

Barely has Jesse St. James faded into the distance down the hall when the vamp begins, and you know which vamp I'm talking about, because there isn't a single person on this entire planet who hasn't heard this song at least once in the last thirty years -- not only has the original been around the world and back several (hundred million) times, but with all of the covers from dance divas and boybands and foul-mouthed fratboys and avant-garde drag queens and German vampires and Norwegian hipsters and Bjork wannabes and literal-minded Internet geeks and insane Cuban ladies who somehow invent Spanish-language versions even creepier than the original, I am convinced there is no one -- no one -- who does not recognize these opening eight notes. So I'm sure you're all singing along with Finn, then, when the camera ducks into the music room and he opens this episode's final fantasy sequence with a breathily heartfelt "Turn around!" Oh, shut up. You know you joined him on those first two words. It's Pavlovian by this point in the song's pop-culture career.

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