Over on the newly constructed school library set, Kurt, Artie, Tina, Mercedes, and Brittany slink in from the hall clad in Hammer pants, and there is no way this will not end in a raft of bitter recriminations borne upon a flood of hysterical tears -- not to mention about four or five freshly slaughtered egos splattered about that newly constructed school library set -- so let's be brief: Artie presses Play on the boombox he's got perched on his lap, and the five launch themselves into their version of MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This," and while the song remains an utter embarrassment, I must say this: God. DAMN, but this dance routine is unreal. The four who can just hurl themselves into it, and while Heather Morris of course stands out as the best among them -- it looks like she's flying at times -- the other three seem to be keeping up with her which, you know: Wow. And then it's done, and the ancient librarian pushes herself up from her chair to toddle on over from behind her desk with a stern look on her face. "Here it comes!" Artie pants, as eager as the rest of them are to be branded McKinley's Quintet Of Horror. Unfortunately, the ancient librarian's stern expression dissolves into a delighted smile, and she cheerfully tells them, "That was very cute -- I'm gonna talk to my pastor and see if I can't get you kids to perform that for our Sunday service!" Cue the bitter recriminations and hysterical tears. Also: Commercials.
Tonight's Mystery Theme tick-tick-ticks away on the soundtrack as the camera goes all jittery and hand-held while the lighting shifts to harsh white overhead spots, all of which can only mean one thing, kids: Interrogation Montage! Mr. Schue's playing bad cop to absolutely no one's good cop, and most of the Glee kids get their turn in the hot seat during what follows. Finn's first up and pretty much unmemorable, so let's move ahead to Mercedes, who gets in a somewhat amusing line with, "Why does everybody assume I'm angry all the time? It's called 'being sassy,' Mr. Schue!" Meanwhile, Artie cogently argues that he couldn't be behind this week's Plot Device, because there's no way his wheelchair-bound self could post the Glist at everyone else's eye level, which is where it was found. Single-T Tina again accuses Puck, Puck again defends himself against Single-T Tina's scurrilous accusations, Brittany doesn't know how to turn on a computer, and Quinn points the finger at Rachel, so Will slams his hands down on his desk to shout, "Look, I know you know something, so we're not leaving here until I get some answers!" The camera slides back to the hot seat, where it finds Kurt pulling a Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, by which I mean that he's carefully arranged himself on the chair with his legs firmly crossed to one side, not that he's going commando in a miniskirt. "Mr. Schuester, may I be blunt?" Kurt delicately opens. "Shoot," Mr. Schue sighs. "Ever since you separated from your wife," Kurt guesses, "you've spent a lot of late nights watching reruns of Law & Order, haven't you?" Mr. Schue remains silent, but his amateurish Bad Cop façade clearly collapses under the weight of Kurt's impeccable insight. Heh.