Barely has Jesse St. James faded into the distance down the hall when the vamp begins, and you know which vamp I'm talking about, because there isn't a single person on this entire planet who hasn't heard this song at least once in the last thirty years -- not only has the original been around the world and back several (hundred million) times, but with all of the covers from dance divas and boybands and foul-mouthed fratboys and avant-garde drag queens and German vampires and Norwegian hipsters and Bjork wannabes and literal-minded Internet geeks and insane Cuban ladies who somehow invent Spanish-language versions even creepier than the original, I am convinced there is no one -- no one -- who does not recognize these opening eight notes. So I'm sure you're all singing along with Finn, then, when the camera ducks into the music room and he opens this episode's final fantasy sequence with a breathily heartfelt "Turn around!" Oh, shut up. You know you joined him on those first two words. It's Pavlovian by this point in the song's pop-culture career.
Anyway, I did type "fantasy sequence" on purpose, because I really do believe these final three minutes are all happening in Rachel's miserable little head, what with the three guys she supposedly screwed over as part of her "Run Joey Run" debacle trading off on the male vocals in the music room before everything switches over to Ballet Club (let me repeat that, by the way: Ballet Club. Hee!) for a scorching pas de deux between Rachel and Jesse St. James, the latter of whom unfortunately performs the entirety of the routine clad in depressingly concealing yoga pants. Damn you, Murphy! As usual, they've hacked the crap out of the song to smash it into the time period's constraints -- though, you know, given how often fucking Idol runs over, you'd think FOX could spare Glee a few of those extra minutes every once in a while -- and it's a shame, because everyone's in fine vocal form on it (even Frankenteen, but especially Groff and Michele), and it would have been nice to see them go balls-out performing the entire epic masterpiece. Oh, well. Maybe it'll be an extra on the DVD.