First things first: Quinn lives! Yes, the episode-ending car smash that t-boned us all into the most recent mini-hiatus left Quinn with little more than a compressed spine, so while she's confined to a wheelchair at the moment, expect her to stand up and start dancing again just as soon as said action is convenient for the plot, like that blond guy on Downton Abbey. Naturally, because of her wheelchair, she is now best buds with Artie, because that's the way things work on this show, and Speed Racer escorts her to a handicapable skate park to meet a bunch of handicapable skate punks for Senior Skip Day, and everything is just peachy even though nobody has bitchin' Cheetah legs like Oscar Pistorius until Artie says something stupid about Quinn being stuck in that chair for the rest of her life. This of course turns Quinn into a raging hag for all of three seconds until New Guy With Gross Hair shows her the error of her ways, after which everybody's friends again.
Meanwhile, Dreamboat Blaine's even dreamier older brother blows into town to manufacture a lot of unnecessary drama and angst. Seems "Cooper Anderson" -- portrayed by the preternaturally pretty Matt Bomer as a self-obsessed dipshit given to spouting "Namaste!" at various opportune moments -- has established quite the career for himself spokesmodeling for the Internet's number-one credit score website, and he has much to share with the artistically-inclined children of McKinley High School, much to Dreamboat Blaine's extreme distress and dismay. The Brothers Anderson quite naturally give voice to their raging sibling rivalry through song throughout the evening until their ultimately pointless subplot culminates in this staggeringly weird duet that makes them look like ex-lovers who now hate each other but who will also probably still keep having sex because each is too lazy to put an end to the relationship once and for all, and then New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody's friends again.
In other news, Sue's really pregnant, Will's really useless and Rachel and Finn really break up until New Guy With Gross Hair shows them the error of their ways, after which everybody's friends again.
Featuring Elton John's "I'm Still Standing," as ironically performed by Quinn and Artie; a medley of Duran Duran's "Hungry Like The Wolf" and "Rio," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and Matt Boner; Christina Aguilera's "Fighter," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine alone; "Up Up Up" by a collection of obnoxious hipster fetuses, as performed by Artie and Quinn; and Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know," as performed by The Possibly Incestuous Brothers Anderson.
Snap open on the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High. "So," Idiot Rachel begins, "do you think if Quinn hadn't gotten into her accident, we still would have gone through with the wedding?" And here we go: Number one, this is a conversation Idiot Rachel and Frankenteen would have had with each other seven weeks ago, immediately following the asinine and insulting accident to which she refers, so whatever; number two, I find it extremely difficult to believe they heard about Quinn's accident in time to halt their insanely stupid wedding at the unbelievably vast Allen County Courthouse, so whatever; number three, I have never, ever cared about the incredibly tedious so-called romantic relationships on this show, so whatever; and number four: SHUT UP, RACHEL. Number Four really has nothing to do with anything else, I admit, but I figured it'd be best to get the first one out of the way now.
Anyway -- and surprisingly enough -- Idiot Rachel does here shut her yappy trap for a beat, but it's only to allow Frankenteen a moment to exposit that this year's Nationals will be held in Chicago and you'll forgive me for veering off on a tangent, I'm sure, but really? Are they seriously taking this year's finale on the road the way they did last year's? Or will Nationals actually be held in the "Chicago" of the Paramount Studios backlot? And which Chicago-specific songs will they maul and mutilate over the course of that particular episode? Though given the way the musical selections on this show have been going lately, they'll probably just commission some piece of shit from Justin Bieber and perform that, right? Sigh. So many questions. And none of them have anything at all to do with this evening's ultimately pointless presentation, unfortunately, so where the hell was I?