Big Brother

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | Grade It Now!
Brotherly Eeeeeeeeeeeeew

Oh, yes: Nationals are in Chicago this year and as Frankenteen says something dumb about getting married in Wrigley Field, Idiot Rachel suddenly gets all teary-eyed in front of her locker and dramatically moans, "It's Quinn! I can't stop thinking about her! She's..." "...right behind you," Frankenteen finishes for her and sure enough, up rolls the fabulous Miss Fabray in a wheelchair of her very own, for while the asinine and insulting accident to which Idiot Rachel had earlier referred did not in fact kill her, it did leave her rather fetchingly crippled. As she glides to a stop at Idiot Rachel's feet to deliver a few unnecessary lines about how Jesus took her goddamned wheel right before she got T-boned or something, Artie rolls up beside her... because they are now best friends, since that's the way things work on this evil fucking show.

Quinn and Artie then launch themselves into a truncated version of Elton John's "I'm Still Standing" -- because why the hell not, right? -- that takes them past several of Quinn's gape-mouthed former Cheerios colleagues into the music room, where they amaze and astound the other children with their tricky and intricate wheelchair-based dance routine until it's over, after which Quinn delivers yet another -- yet another -- "Don't Text And Drive" PSA, just in case we failed to get the ham-fisted message the first time around. By the way, I should probably note that the best bits of that number involved the too-brief cutaway shots of the ever-mute members of The McKinley Jazz Ensemble, all of whom were really, really into it. That floppy-haired guitarist in particular was bopping his damn fool self all over the place and it was completely adorable.

In any event, after all that's over with, Quinn wheels herself to the center of the music room floor to dispel a few rumors that have arisen during her convalescence-related absence from school: "First of all," she begins, "all of my plumbing still works, which is awesome!" Good to know, doll -- and thanks for the overshare. "But," she continues, "my spine was severely compressed in the car accident, which basically means I can't move my feet or legs." Single-T Tina looks very sad indeed at this bit of news, even though it should be common knowledge amongst Quinn's peers by now, because the accident in question happened two whole goddamned months ago and is this entire episode going to be so clunky and dimwitted and poorly written? No, you needn't bother answering that, because I already know that yes, this entire episode will indeed be so clunky and dimwitted and poorly written, because I've already watched it once the whole goddamned way through. Feh. ANY-way, Quinn goes on with the bright side, "Good thing is, I'm starting to regain feeling, so with a lot of physical therapy -- and your prayers -- I stand a good chance for full recovery." "I promise," she concludes, "that by the time we go to Nationals, I'll be out of this chair and dancing on that stage." This last elicits a particularly vicious side-eye from Artie, who clearly believes Quinn's going to be stuck in that chair forever, but I'll be taking her at her word, thank you very much, because Downton Abbey already gave us this ridiculous "bruised spine" storyline earlier this year and we all know how it's going to turn out, so why pretend otherwise? Also: Title card.

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