Big Brother

Episode Report Card
Demian: B+ | Grade It Now!
Brotherly Eeeeeeeeeeeeew

...Chez "Tennyson," where the pneumatic bleach-blonde lady of the house saunters on out to her pool to offer Puck and Frankenteen a couple of refreshing mocktails. She also pretty much offers them both access to her private ladybits and, after she's sauntered back into the house, Puck titters, "In California? She's considered ugly." It's funny because it's true. The boys get to talking about Puck's indecent proposal some more and long story short, Puck plants the seeds of ugly discord in what's currently passing as Frankenteen's brain, too-innocently wondering why Finn should be the one to sacrifice everything in the relationship I so totally don't care about. Frankenteen takes a moment to absorb Puck's many implications or something and then mouth-breathes his way into this evening's next commercial break.

Oh, hello, Scene I Promised To Ignore! Batgirl and Will accompany Sue to her doctor's appointment and are thus present when Sue's obstetrician announces, "Your amnio came back with irregularities." Dun-dun-DUN!

Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Brit-Brit snaps candids of Douchebag Boner posing with The Leprechaun -- yes, she forgets to remove the lens cap -- and we learn that, while Douchebag Boner has not met George Clooney, he has had sex with the Progressive Insurance lady and woo! You go on with your bad self, Flo! Lucky hag. In any event, Dreamboat Blaine arrives and Douchebag Boner's quick to share his latest bit of good news: He just scored an audition for Michael Bay's latest flick. "The movie's untitled," Douchebag Boner excitedly confides, "which you know is code for Transformers 4." Both Dreamboat Blaine and I want to hurl. "You don't seem very happy for me," Douchebag Boner notes, directing that remark to his on-screen brother. "I'm thrilled," Dreamboat Blaine deadpans. "Wouldn't kill you to smile," Douchebag Boner harrumphs before pointedly eyeing Dreamboat Blaine up and down and adding, "It also wouldn't kill you to stop letting Kurt pick out your clothes." This is also funny because it's true, though Dreamboat Blaine of course denies it. Douchebag Boner next urges Dreamboat Blaine to spend Skip Day running lines with him and, once again, Dreamboat Blaine's had it -- again some more -- though this time Douchebag Boner's considerable charm fails him, and it leads to...

...A Very Dramatic Musical Number. In this instance, it's Dreamboat Blaine belting out Christina Aguilera's "Fighter," and I have zero recollection of this song from ten years ago. None whatsoever. I think it might be because everyone was still playing "Lady Marmalade" and "Dirrrty" and "Beautiful" back then -- if they weren't trying their damn best to ignore her melodramatic ass, that is -- but yeah: I do not recognize this song at all. Which ends up working in this sequence's favor as far as I'm concerned, because I'm walking into it free of the preconceptions many on the forum boards seemed to have had when this episode originally aired. Which means I can focus instead on the gloriously delicate interplay of light and shadow on Darren Criss's muscular back when Dreamboat Blaine takes an entirely gratuitous shower in the middle of the song. Hooray!

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