Will walks in to the Maharishi's Sanctum of Special Episodes and is told that there's an epidemic going around the school. But Figgins isn't talking about head lice (Will's guess), and he's not talking about the mono epidemic that was surely sparked off two episodes ago. Instead, Figgins is talking about an epidemic of student drunkenness. Due to the "wet devil," there have already been five suspensions that week for intoxication on school grounds. At that moment, a wasted student knocks on the glass wall to the Maharishi's office and presses his ample stomach up against the glass, leading Figgins to increase the suspension count to six. As per usual, Will is confused, because drinking has never been a problem at McKinley. Figgins blames it on the introduction of alcoholic beverages targeted at teen drinkers and the influence of pop musicians like "Key-dollar-sign-ha." By which he means Ke$ha. And really, if you're going to spell your name so moronically, it's your own fault if people don't know how to say it. The solution, according to Figgins? To declare it Alcohol Awareness Week, and to cap that week off with an assembly featuring Kitty Dukakis and the glee club singing a song that points out the dangers of drinking. I mean, Kitty Dukakis would speak and the glee club would sing -- although it would have been awesome if the episode had featured a Kitty Dukakis solo. Title card.
Teachers' lounge. Emma nibbles on her celery like an adorable ginger rabbit. Will walks up to her and tells her that he's tired of the two of them not talking and that he's heard she and Hot Dentist Carl are looking for a house together, so he's there to give them a toaster as a housewarming gift. She finds that endearing, although it just makes me wonder if pre-Carl Emma ever used a toaster. I mean, it's hard to imagine her cooking with an appliance that you can't scrub out with bleach on a daily basis. In any case, she invites Will to sit and catch up. She asks how he's been doing, and he starts to talk about the glee club, so she cuts him off -- she really wants to know how he's doing. The answer is that he's entirely mediocre, and has to tell her that he's not dating anyone while she sits there and plays with her wedding ring.
Sue walks up to them and tells Ella that Will should really focus on his treatment for alcoholism before trying to date. Will's mystified by Sue's decision that he must be an alcoholic, but Sue tells him that it's just a matter of time until he's driven to drink, what with his dead-end job, the fact that the glee club he coaches has only been able to beat choirs made up of the deaf, juvenile delinquents, and senior citizens, and that his only friend seems to be the "very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances." The final straw, in Sue's prediction of blackouts yet to come, will be New Direction's loss at the hands of Aural Intensity under the direction of Sue.