Music room. Brit notes that she really doesn't want to drink, due to the whole vomit issue, but that without the booze the assembly would have been a failure. However, being vomited on has convinced Rachel that she's done with booze forever. Will enters and lectures them about the unprofessionalism, stupidity, and illegality of their boozy performance. Quinn, whose hair has gotten enormous (is she channeling Jackie O?), calls Will the pot calling the kettle black. Brit, to Mercedes: "That is so racist." Will actually agrees with Quinn, and he promises to stop drinking as well. Santana: "But if you don't drink, what will you have to live for?" His vests, obviously. But Will is only asking them to give up drinking until after Nationals. And he gives them his cell phone number, asking them to promise that if they do drink, they'll call him for a ride if they don't have a designated driver. And this is the exact opposite of the exact opposite of a Very Special Episode.

Coffee shop of ill-fated gay teen love. Kurt and Rachel are casing the joint, waiting for Blaine to appear so that Rachel can give him her kamikaze kiss. Kurt actually expresses some concern over Rachel, noting that being right won't really do anything for him. Rachel: "Who cares about you, buddy? I may get a new boyfriend out of this who can keep up with me vocally and in the future give me vaguely Eurasian children." Blaine comes in, and Rachel walks up to him and attaches herself to his mouth like a lamprey to a shark. And that's the kiss that convinces Blaine that he is 100% gay. You'd think that Rachel would be upset, but instead she's thrilled that she's got some personal trauma she can call on in her songwriting. I guess being abandoned by her mother twice, having eggs thrown at her by her boyfriend, and being repeatedly dumped by another boyfriend just wasn't enough. And the closing strains of Carole King's "I Feel the Earth Move," which has been playing in the background the entire scene, takes us out of the episode.

LTG lives in Boston, where he's a full-time pension and insurance attorney and a part-time xylophonist. You can reach him at ltg.jon@gmail.com.