Oh, good Lord, you guys. I don't even know what to say. Don't tell Eugene Delgaudio, but the kids throw an alcohol party. And it's like a flashback to every high school party I ever attended -- a bunch of drunk, sloppy kids over-emoting and making out. I'll be having nightmares about it all week. Anyway, this party launches almost all of the week's plotlines. First, Rachel ends up making out with Blaine during a game of spin the bottle, and she develops a massive crush on him. To the point where she asks him on a date. And he decides that maybe he's not gay, so he agrees to go out with her. All of this sends Kurt into a tizzy of rage and jealousy. But it all turns out for the best when Rachel and Blaine kiss while sober and he realizes that he is totally, 100% gay. And it even works out for Rachel, since she now has a tragic relationship story to inspire her song-writing efforts. I guess being pelted with eggs by her boyfriend and his pals wasn't tragic enough.
On another front, Will is tasked by Figgins to find an alcohol-awareness song for the Glee Club to sing at the annual Alcohol Awareness Assembly. He gets frustrated that the kids seem completely unconcerned by the dangers of drinking. Coach Beiste convinces Will that the way to get over that frustration is to join her at a honky-tonk roadhouse, where the two of them get completely sloshed. He ends the night grading while under the influence and then drunk dials Emma to leave an alcohol-fueled message of desperation for her. Except that he actually dials Sue, and she plays the message over the school PA system as part of her ongoing effort to convince Will that he's an alcoholic.
Finally, the kids are so hung-over after the party that they decide the only cure is the hair of the dog. But that dog keeps biting them, as they stay pretty much drunk for much of the episode. It all culminates at the big assembly, where they cap off their alcohol-awareness anthem by drunkenly vomiting on each other. Demonstrating that alcohol hasn't killed all of their brain cells, they think that this display will lead to their suspension, but Figgins decides it was all an elaborate ploy to put the fear of booze into the entire student population. Since it worked (as the sight of massive quantities of purple vomit would), they] kids get away with their drunken shenanigans and come out of it with coupons for half-off frozen yogurt. And a newfound commitment to sobriety, destined to last at least until Nationals.
Featuring Ke$ha's "Tik Tok," performed by the kids with Brit-Brit on lead, Jamie Foxx's "Blame It," performed by pretty much the entire club, George Thorogood's "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer," performed by Will and Coach Beiste, and The Human League's "Don't You Want Me," performed by Blaine and Rachel. Also, Rachel Berry's "My Headband," performed by Rachel Berry until someone with taste shuts her down.
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Will walks in to the Maharishi's Sanctum of Special Episodes and is told that there's an epidemic going around the school. But Figgins isn't talking about head lice (Will's guess), and he's not talking about the mono epidemic that was surely sparked off two episodes ago. Instead, Figgins is talking about an epidemic of student drunkenness. Due to the "wet devil," there have already been five suspensions that week for intoxication on school grounds. At that moment, a wasted student knocks on the glass wall to the Maharishi's office and presses his ample stomach up against the glass, leading Figgins to increase the suspension count to six. As per usual, Will is confused, because drinking has never been a problem at McKinley. Figgins blames it on the introduction of alcoholic beverages targeted at teen drinkers and the influence of pop musicians like "Key-dollar-sign-ha." By which he means Ke$ha. And really, if you're going to spell your name so moronically, it's your own fault if people don't know how to say it. The solution, according to Figgins? To declare it Alcohol Awareness Week, and to cap that week off with an assembly featuring Kitty Dukakis and the glee club singing a song that points out the dangers of drinking. I mean, Kitty Dukakis would speak and the glee club would sing -- although it would have been awesome if the episode had featured a Kitty Dukakis solo. Title card.
Teachers' lounge. Emma nibbles on her celery like an adorable ginger rabbit. Will walks up to her and tells her that he's tired of the two of them not talking and that he's heard she and Hot Dentist Carl are looking for a house together, so he's there to give them a toaster as a housewarming gift. She finds that endearing, although it just makes me wonder if pre-Carl Emma ever used a toaster. I mean, it's hard to imagine her cooking with an appliance that you can't scrub out with bleach on a daily basis. In any case, she invites Will to sit and catch up. She asks how he's been doing, and he starts to talk about the glee club, so she cuts him off -- she really wants to know how he's doing. The answer is that he's entirely mediocre, and has to tell her that he's not dating anyone while she sits there and plays with her wedding ring.
Sue walks up to them and tells Ella that Will should really focus on his treatment for alcoholism before trying to date. Will's mystified by Sue's decision that he must be an alcoholic, but Sue tells him that it's just a matter of time until he's driven to drink, what with his dead-end job, the fact that the glee club he coaches has only been able to beat choirs made up of the deaf, juvenile delinquents, and senior citizens, and that his only friend seems to be the "very lemur who rejected the bestial horror of your craven sexual advances." The final straw, in Sue's prediction of blackouts yet to come, will be New Direction's loss at the hands of Aural Intensity under the direction of Sue.