Cut to a multi-party phone conversation as the various glee kids all talk themselves into going to what promises to be the very worst or very best party ever. The key feature to get Santana there is that there must be liquor. Brit-Brit points out that it's Alcohol Awareness Week. Santana: "Precisely. And I am aware of how much fun alcohol is." So Santana looks Puck into the call to verify that there will be booze there. The best bit is that Santana greets Puck by telling him that Santattany and Artcedes are on the line. Since Puck can promise some wine coolers, Mercedes declares that the "Rachel Berry House Party Train Wreck Extravaganza is officially a go."
Cut to a rather hideous painted portrait of Rachel. It's at the top of the stairs down to the basement/rec room, where she's welcoming party attendees Kurt and Blaine, who are trailed by Finn. Rachel hadn't expected Kurt or Blaine, since she didn't invite any Dalton Swallows, but Finn takes the blame for their inclusion: "Kurt's been blackmailing me ever since he saw my browser history." Looking at Kurt and Blaine, something seems... off. And then they take off their coats and we see that they're not wearing their Dalton uniforms. You might get excited, thinking that this would mean a naked Blaine, but against all prior evidence, it seems that he does own other clothes. Oh, and speaking of clothes, Rachel Berry seems to have raided Laurie Partridge's wardrobe. She's wearing a minty green maxi dress with a super high waist and white lacy trim cutting across the bust. It's the most hideous and most perfect thing she's ever worn. If that dress were a man I'd want to marry it. Rachel gives a sassy "hey, girlfriend" to Quinn and asks if she's having fun. We can see Sam and Santana making out over Quinn's shoulder, which explains her lackluster declaration that it's a great party. Rachel calls for order and gets ready to hand out two drink tickets to each kid. Because rules help control the fun! The other kids don't share my philosophy, and they all plan to leave before they get sucked into the whirlpool of lameness that is surrounding Rachel right now. Puck tells her that the only way to rescue the party is to let him break into the liquor cabinet. He says more, but I'm kind of distracted by the fact that I can see his white wifebeater underneath his white sweater. That just shouldn't be. Anyway, encouraged by a tiny nod from Finn, Rachel declares that the Dionysian revels can begin!
Quick cut to the kids dancing around in all their drunken glory. And playing quarters. And, in the case of Santana, doing shots off Brit-Brit's taut tummy. Kurt dances up to Finn and asks him if he's not drinking. It turns out that Finn is the designated driver. As for Kurt, "I'm still trying to impress Blaine. Can't get too sloppy." A quick shot of Blaine, who's about as sloppy as he can get without engaging in mud-wrestling. After some more hooting and hollering, Rachel throws herself against Finn's chest and asks him to dance with her. And offers to do anything for him. It's totally creepy if you're the sober person on the receiving end of that kind of declaration. Finn sits Rachel down on the edge of the carpeted stage and tells her that he's going to break down the different type of drunk-girl archetypes. Santana is the weepy hysterical drunk, as evidenced by her weeping shouts at Sam to the effect that he likes Quinn more than her because she's blonde and smart. Lauren Tuna and Quinn are angry girl drunks, as evidenced by the way they accost Puck (who looks delicious in Lauren's giant glasses, by the way). Brit-Brit is the stripper-girl drunk, as evidenced by the way she's shaking her moneymaker in Artie's face while he showers her with dollar bills. Where did he get all those ones? What kind of party did he think this was going to be? Mercedes and Tina are happy girl drunks, which is pretty clear from their hysterical laughter. And then Finn calls Rachel out on being the needy girl drunk by hanging all over him. This inspires Rachel to call for a game of spin the bottle. Perhaps she wants to demonstrate that she's not the needy girl drunk, she's the slutty girl drunk. Commercials.