Gym. It's time for the assembly. Figgins gives another of his deadpan introductions. "Unfortunately, Kitty Dukakis could not be here because of disinterest, but Lima police chief Lawrence Crowley is here to show you a grisly slide show of auto accidents." Backstage, Brit-Brit is worried about performing. "You guys, I'm really nervous. Ke$ha's been a cultural icon for weeks, and I really want to do her justice." So Rachel gives them something to take the edge off. It's a combination of everything that was left in her fathers' liquor cabinet, plus some cough syrup and crushed up Oreos. So they all drink. In front of the curtain, the slide show has just finished. Figgins: "Now performing the hit single, 'Tik and also Tok,' by rapper Key-dollar-sign-ha, the New Directions." The kids perform the song, with Brit-Brit on lead. The performance is good, and Figgins totally gets into it, complete with vogueing. And then Brit spews purple vomit in Rachel's face. Rachel runs off, and Santana spews all over the floor. Brit: "Everybody drink responsibly."
Cut to Sue and Becky doing their best Eve Arden and Dody Goodman impression, complete with Becky on the xylophone. (I spent way too long trying to find a picture of that scene from Grease, with no luck. If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch the movie.) Sue's PA announcement is epic: "Students. Colleagues. Indeed, all who understand the Queen's English. We all still quake in terror at what we witnessed yesterday at the assembly, by a glee club spiraling out of control. My nose is still filled with the acrid stench of teen vomit, and there is simply but one person to blame -- the alcoholic teen-vomit fetishist, Will Schuester, the director of that club. Two days ago, I received a drunk dial in the middle of the night from a horny Will Schuester. Open your ears, McKinley High, and behold the awful price of alcoholism." And then Sue plays the message Will left. It's as bad as you might think, and includes a reference to the fact that riding the bull made Will think of the person he was calling. It's also pretty evident to the world that he was calling Emma, since he refers to the plastic gloves she sometimes wears when eating. Sue finishes the announcement by telling Will, "You've just been publicly humiliated. And on the road to recovery, that's the very first step." Hmmm, maybe Sue wrote her own Big Book. Commercials.