It's 7:59 in the morning deep within the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, and as the bell for homeroom rings, the camera lands upon the back of one particular blonde Cheerio, watching as the lady in question swans along in slow-motion through teeming clusters of her fellow students, many of whom pause to smile at her. "My name is Brittany S. Pierce," Brit-Brit opens via voiceover before going on to note, "and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world." "Senior year was awesome," Brit-Brit continues, "and now, I get to relive every minute of it." Here, the camera jumps around to pan down past her unnaturally dilated pupils as she reminds us -- out loud, and in the middle of the hall -- "I'm head Cheerio, Vice-Rachel of The Glee Club, and I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life!" Dreamboat Blaine, clutching an "off-Broadway songbook" tight against his chest while wearing a mightily confused expression on his face, edges up close to her at this point to whisper, "Who are you talking to?" Brittany: "I thought I was doing a voiceover." Heh.
Dreamboat Blaine just nods his head around a little bit at this and continues on his merry way as Brit-Brit deliberately closes her mouth before admitting the following in actual voiceover: "It was kind of a rough summer -- I really miss Santana." Aw. "But for now," she concludes, "all I have to say is..."
"It's Brittany, bitch!" That last was once again spoken out loud, complete with an appropriate ponytail-whipping head toss, and the next thing we know, we've been flung out onto the football field, where Our Brittany and her fellow Cheerios hurl themselves into an exceptionally energetic routine based around Other Britney's tiresome 2011 single "Hold It Against Me." Fortunately, Our Brittany's version is mercifully free of the sort of obnoxious product placement that made me despise Other Britney's original video for the song. Unfortunately, the hyperkinetic jump-cuts slamming us from shot to shot during the performance itself prevent me from getting any kind of coherent sense of what they're actually doing, here, so whatever wow factor this number might have had otherwise is lost as a result. At some point, the action gets pimp-slapped indoors to the McKinley High gymnasium, where Our Brittany and her fellow Cheerios are joined by a group of aggressively gelled young gentlemen whose sole purpose seems to be twirling a bunch of deadly-looking shards of metal around in the air, and after the routine has reached its triumphant finale, Coach Sylvester blares through her megaphone, "Well, that was just garbage!" "Garbage wrapped in skin!" Coach Sylvester amends, and oh, my God. I think I've really missed Sue over the summer break.