Meanwhile, back at dear old McKinley High, those two boring jocks from last week hurl a few more boring fat jokes at Boring New Rachel's boring lunch-lady mother until Boring New Puck intercedes like the boring young gentleman he's supposed to be, and fisticuffs ensue until Mr. Schue pops up from out of nowhere to tear the slapfight apart and drag Boring New Puck into the music room...

...where they find Old Puck waiting for them! Hooray! Well, sort of. It's a pleasure to see Old Puck and his asinine mohawk again, of course, but a few things bug about the scene that follows: For one thing, the little Forswear Thy Foolish Ways lecture Old Puck proceeds to deliver for New Puck's supposed benefit is dull as hell. For another, the performance styles on display between The Pucks don't match up at all -- Old Puck's playing this as if it were all a part of the show's heightened and cartoonish first seasons while New Puck clearly believes he's been cast in some serious and artful examination of the trials modern American adolescents are forced to endure in their day-to-day lives -- and the result is just jarring and stilted and clumsy and gross. And finally, there's the fact that Mark Salling still can't act. God knows I love him to death, but... yeah.

So, long story short, Old Puck tells New Puck to get his act together -- preferably by joining The Glee Club, of course -- and then Old Puck jets back to L.A. to bang "the third runner-up from The Bachelor." Because he's classy like that. Commercials.

McKinley High Gymnasium. The Maharishi steps up to the microphone to call the annual fall assembly to order, though he of course intends to make an announcement first: "I wish to address the rumor that I like to be milked like a cow because my breasts are filled with delicious, wholesome milk. That rumor is untrue." Good to know. And with that out of the way, it's time for a performance of music to be enjoyed by all.

Unfortunately, things couldn't be worse backstage, where Brittany's descended into a Cheetos-glazed funk from which she's unlikely to emerge. DUN!

Out front, however, The Maharishi remains oblivious to the unfolding Brit-Brit drama, and he proceeds to introduce the children of New Directions. The curtains part, and...