Thank God they decided to kick the plot in the ass tonight, because after last week's snoozefest, I was ready to give up on this goddamned show, too.
In Lima: Brittany S. Pierce finds herself thrown off The Cheerios when Coach Sylvester finally comes down on her -- hard -- for the negative grade point average that Coach Sylvester would have noticed sooner had she not been so busy being so improbably knocked up. This of course sends Our Brittany into a tailspin that closely parallels Other Britney's precipitous downward spiral of several years ago -- Crocs, Cheetos, unhinged umbrella bashings, and all -- that culminates in a disastrous lip-synch performance at this year's inaugural McKinley High pep rally.
However, just when we think the other children are gonna slap a 5150 on Our Brittany's addled derriere, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen gets Brit-Brit to admit it was all simply a cunning ruse on her part. You see, Our Brittany knows from Other Britney's example that a trip to rock bottom all but ensures a staggeringly triumphant comeback, so she concocted the entire fake nervous breakdown in order to further her not-so-secret plan for high school domination. It made a surprising amount of sense as the episode aired, though I'm not certain it'll hold up at all on rewatch.
In New York City: Rachel and St. Gay Of Lima take out a lease on a capacious loft in Bushwick, whereupon they quickly settle down to braid each other's hair and talk about boys. Once that's over with, St. Gay reveals that Drunk Kate Hudson's got one hell of a batshit-crazy past, wherein the lady in question scored the choice role of Lola in a revival of Damn Yankees ten years ago, only to lose the part after she lost her shit over some geriatric's bleeping cell phone during an out-of-town tryout.
Armed with this choice piece of information, Rachel tries to thrown down with the elderly lush, only to find herself thrown out of dance class. Oops! Eventually, though, the two women arrive at some sort of a temporary truce, allowing Rachel to retire to her capacious loft just in time for Dean Geyer to arrive bearing both a lovely housewarming gift and several amorous intentions. Unfortunately, because Rachel's still hung up on that pasty mouthbreather she used to date in Ohio, she sends Australian Idol on his exceptionally-well-put-together way, which means she never really stopped being Idiot Rachel in the first place, yes?
Meanwhile: New Rachel -- whose sole defining trait thus far seems to be a disturbing penchant for truly awful headgear -- admits her enormous crush on New Puck to Not-So-Unique. Pre-Op Precious attempts to dissuade Shitty Newsboy Cap from pursuing a relationship with the patently faithless New Puck, but Crappy Headband will not be deterred until it's revealed to her that New Puck is actually dating New Quinn. This makes Horrifying Barrette very sad, indeed, but I still don't give a flying rat's ass about the romantic relationships on this show, so whatever.
Featuring a variety of Britney Spears's third-rate throwaways, primarily from the ass end of her career, including "Hold It Against Me," as performed by Our Brittany and The Cheerios; a medley combining "Boys" with a so-called "song" that shall never be acknowledged as such by me, as performed by Speed Racer and Dreamboat Blaine; "Womanizer," as performed by a typically sassy Not-So-Unique with crucial assists from Sugar Motta, Single-T Tina, and Shitty Newsboy Cap; a shockingly engaging rendition of "3," as performed by Single-T Tina, Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, and Guy Slowly Being Consumed By His Own Incredibly Gross Hair (Whose Name I Still Cannot Be Bothered To Look Up); a medley of "(You Drive Me) Crazy" and Aerosmith's "Crazy," as sweetly performed by Crappy Headband and New Puck; "Oops!...I Did It Again," as performed by Idiot Rachel, with heavily costumed background gyrations courtesy of an unnecessarily attired Dean Geyer; "Gimme More," as performed by the children of New Directions, with solo duties assumed by Our Brittany and a bag of snacks; and "Everytime," as performed by Horrifying Barrette.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!
It's 7:59 in the morning deep within the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, and as the bell for homeroom rings, the camera lands upon the back of one particular blonde Cheerio, watching as the lady in question swans along in slow-motion through teeming clusters of her fellow students, many of whom pause to smile at her. "My name is Brittany S. Pierce," Brit-Brit opens via voiceover before going on to note, "and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole, because I am on top of the world." "Senior year was awesome," Brit-Brit continues, "and now, I get to relive every minute of it." Here, the camera jumps around to pan down past her unnaturally dilated pupils as she reminds us -- out loud, and in the middle of the hall -- "I'm head Cheerio, Vice-Rachel of The Glee Club, and I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life!" Dreamboat Blaine, clutching an "off-Broadway songbook" tight against his chest while wearing a mightily confused expression on his face, edges up close to her at this point to whisper, "Who are you talking to?" Brittany: "I thought I was doing a voiceover." Heh.
Dreamboat Blaine just nods his head around a little bit at this and continues on his merry way as Brit-Brit deliberately closes her mouth before admitting the following in actual voiceover: "It was kind of a rough summer -- I really miss Santana." Aw. "But for now," she concludes, "all I have to say is..."
"It's Brittany, bitch!" That last was once again spoken out loud, complete with an appropriate ponytail-whipping head toss, and the next thing we know, we've been flung out onto the football field, where Our Brittany and her fellow Cheerios hurl themselves into an exceptionally energetic routine based around Other Britney's tiresome 2011 single "Hold It Against Me." Fortunately, Our Brittany's version is mercifully free of the sort of obnoxious product placement that made me despise Other Britney's original video for the song. Unfortunately, the hyperkinetic jump-cuts slamming us from shot to shot during the performance itself prevent me from getting any kind of coherent sense of what they're actually doing, here, so whatever wow factor this number might have had otherwise is lost as a result. At some point, the action gets pimp-slapped indoors to the McKinley High gymnasium, where Our Brittany and her fellow Cheerios are joined by a group of aggressively gelled young gentlemen whose sole purpose seems to be twirling a bunch of deadly-looking shards of metal around in the air, and after the routine has reached its triumphant finale, Coach Sylvester blares through her megaphone, "Well, that was just garbage!" "Garbage wrapped in skin!" Coach Sylvester amends, and oh, my God. I think I've really missed Sue over the summer break.
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