Britney 2.0

Episode Report Card
Demian: A- | Grade It Now!
It's Still Brittany, Bitch

Fake Drama School In New York, Blotto Dance Division. Drunk Kate Hudson pretends she knows how to dance for a little bit (seriously: Look at those goddamned sloppy feet of hers) until a suitably abashed Rachel enters to apologize for her earlier outburst. While all-too-casually stretching and whatnot, Drunk Kate Hudson lectures Much-Abused Rachel at length regarding the soul-crushing pressure that comes with a fabulous Broadway career and -- after Drunk Kate Hudson pointedly gifts Rachel with a faceful of her sweaty, leotard-clad ass -- Drunk Kate Hudson agrees to allow Rachel back into her dance class. Well, to be precise, Drunk Kate Hudson has to allow Rachel back into her dance class because Fake Drama School rules prevent her from bouncing anyone without an official warning first, but whatever. Long story short, Much-Abused Rachel is on probation, and with probation comes "dance-belt duty," which is exactly what you think it is. And with that, we head into this evening's penultimate commercial break.

McKinley High. The directionally-challenged Brit-Brit -- get it? -- follows a helpful map drawn for her by Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen in order to meet him in the school's auditorium, where Lady Lips quickly reveals he knows what she's really been up to. The downward spiral? The head-shaving incident? Beating Jewfro[less]'s disgusting ass with an umbrella? The disastrous pep rally performance? "You're intentionally hitting rock bottom," he asserts. "So I can make a glorious comeback," Brit-Brit nods, "just like Britney." And just when I'm about to question this supposed "glorious comeback" of Other Britney's, Our Brittany reminds me, "She got paid fourteen million dollars to be on X Factor," and that shuts me right up. Though I still have no problems saying this: Other Britney can rot in hell. Talent-free trash.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah: While Our Brittany's happy that Lady Lips eventually figured out her cunning plan, she laments the fact that Santana would have known what she was doing right from the very start. "And then she would have used mean words on anyone who got down on me," Brit-Brit adds. "You miss her, huh?" Lady Lips prompts. "I just miss the little things," Brittany sighs, "like her laugh, and the smell of her armpits." "Yes," she admits, "we had interesting lady-sex, but she was also my best friend." Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Lady Lips assures her she has a new friend now, and then he goes to great lengths to ensure Brit-Brit knows he's talking about himself. Heh. The two end this perfectly sweet little scene by fretting for a little bit Brittany's still-unsolved Cheerios situation, and with that, we head over to...

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