Britney 2.0

Episode Report Card
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It's Still Brittany, Bitch

So anyway, we're meant to believe that Much-Abused Rachel actually has the choreographic talent to replicate an infamous Bob Fosse routine right there in Fake Drama School's tiny little dance studio, and we're further meant to believe she thought it would be a terrific idea to pair that painstakingly rehearsed recreation with the dreadful "Oops!...I Did It Again." So far, so good. Relatively speaking, of course. The end result is, quite naturally, gruesome, though a large part of me believes that's intentional -- I mean, Rachel's supposed to blow the whole "sexy" thing here, yes? She's supposed to come across as awkward and uncomfortable and desperately uncertain of her own physicality, correct? We can't possibly be expected to think she's better at this sort of thing than, oh, say, all of her backup dancers, right? Right? I'm so confused.

Whatever. The number ends and -- as expected -- Drunk Kate Hudson shimmies her leotard down to her knees, squats, and takes a big, steaming dump all over it. Something in Much-Abused Rachel snaps at Drunk Kate Hudson's (justified) criticisms, and she shrieks, "You're just jealous of me! Of all of us! Because we have our entire careers ahead of us, and yours ended before it even began! We're the future, and you're just some YouTube joke!" Drunk Kate Hudson takes a moment to process Rachel's juvenile tirade, then throws her out of the class, permanently. I think I'm beginning to like Drunk Kate Hudson.

Meanwhile, back at dear old McKinley High, those two boring jocks from last week hurl a few more boring fat jokes at Boring New Rachel's boring lunch-lady mother until Boring New Puck intercedes like the boring young gentleman he's supposed to be, and fisticuffs ensue until Mr. Schue pops up from out of nowhere to tear the slapfight apart and drag Boring New Puck into the music room...

...where they find Old Puck waiting for them! Hooray! Well, sort of. It's a pleasure to see Old Puck and his asinine mohawk again, of course, but a few things bug about the scene that follows: For one thing, the little Forswear Thy Foolish Ways lecture Old Puck proceeds to deliver for New Puck's supposed benefit is dull as hell. For another, the performance styles on display between The Pucks don't match up at all -- Old Puck's playing this as if it were all a part of the show's heightened and cartoonish first seasons while New Puck clearly believes he's been cast in some serious and artful examination of the trials modern American adolescents are forced to endure in their day-to-day lives -- and the result is just jarring and stilted and clumsy and gross. And finally, there's the fact that Mark Salling still can't act. God knows I love him to death, but... yeah.

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