And when it's all over, Our Brittany comes back to sludgy semi-consciousness in Hot Carl's office. "I petted a snake!" she slurs. Hot Carl, having no idea what she's talking about, simply smirks and eyebrows, "Rock on!" before turning to schedule another appointment for her, as she has 68 cavities that still need to be filled. Brittany, zonked, asks, "Can I have a blue toothbrush?" "I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes," Hot Carl promises. Brittany, suddenly suspicious: "Are you a cat?"
School. Finn and Rachel amble through the hallways, hand in hand, and as they immediately start in with some bullshit angst-ridden teenaged high-school romance crap I totally do not care about, I know I can ignore their scenes for the rest of the episode. Next!
Okay, fine: Long story short, Finn's having an identity crisis because he was kicked off the football team and wah, and Rachel's insensitively happy about it because it means he won't run off with a Cheerio and blah, and Finn would take umbrage at that if he knew what the word actually meant, and SHUT UP AND CALL ME IN TWENTY YEARS WHEN YOU HAVE ACTUAL PROBLEMS, IDIOTS, and then Santana Lopez saves the day when she floats by with this lovely jibe directed at Man Hands: "Hey, dwarf! Anyone ever tell you that you dress like one of the Bait Girls on To Catch A Predator?" Hee! "Also," Brittany adds while wafting along after Santana Lopez, "I'm more talented than you." Surprisingly, this last is true for many reasons, most of which we will get to when it's Rachel's turn for an anesthesia-induced fantasy later in the episode. Oops! ...Spoiler! Also: Commercials.
"So, Santana," Hot Carl begins once we've returned from the break. "I'm looking at your charts and your X-rays, and your teeth are perfect." "That's riiii-ight!" Santana musically confirms while idly examining her nails in one of Hot Carl's office chairs. "Well, I can't just put you under," Hot Carl protests. "Anesthesia isn't something to joke about," he continues, somehow repressing the urge to break the fourth wall with a knowing wink to the audience. "It's serious!" "Okay, listen," Santana Lopez retorts, with delicious amounts of privilege and attitude, "my dad's a doctor -- and not a 'tooth doctor,' a real one. He, like, went to college, or something, which means I have a killer healthcare plan that pretty much pays for everything, so get up in my grille, 'cause Brits and I wants to get our anesthesia on!" Brits, who had been revealed to be sitting in the other chair during all of that, smiles, "It's totally cool!" "I guess I can give you a super-strong bleaching," Hot Carl shrugs, and he offers to turn the radio on. Brit-Brit and Santana Lopez have that covered, thank you very much, and no sooner have they plugged their buds into their ears than we're hurled into...