...cue this evening's first musical number! Obviously, it's an anesthesia-induced fantasy taking place in Brittany's temporarily altered noggin. Just as obviously, it's an anesthesia-induced fantasy of Our Brittany as That Britney, in this case lip-synching to her very own version of "I'm A Slave 4 U" while gyrating across the screen in a variety of That Britney's iconic outfits. Now, in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a big Britney Spears fan. In fact, up until this evening, the only Britney Spears song I was familiar with was the inescapable "...Baby One More Time" (and don't get me started on Ms. Spears' asinine punctuation in her song titles, the very sight of which fills me with homicidal rage).
That said, this number kicks all kinds of ass, and for that we can thank Heather Morris and her entirely sick dance skillz. Well, Heather Morris and her entirely sick dance skillz, plus the fact that they've chosen to mash up costumes and imagery from a variety of That Britney's better-known performances, including the red leather catsuit from "Oops! ...I Did It Again" (Death! ...Death To The Stupid Punctuation!), the crystal-encrusted body stocking she wore during bits of "Toxic", and the albino python she sported during the 2001 VMAs. Oh, and her primary backup boys are mad hot, and that always helps, too. Bottom line, between her coy teasing of Hallucination Hot Carl, her amusingly playful routine with a bunch of Beyond Thunderdome toddlers in a grade-school classroom, and her insane moves with those primary backup boys in the main part of the sequence, Our Brittany easily out-Britneys That Britney, and for that reason alone, I want to give this episode an A. In your face, Britney Spears!
And when it's all over, Our Brittany comes back to sludgy semi-consciousness in Hot Carl's office. "I petted a snake!" she slurs. Hot Carl, having no idea what she's talking about, simply smirks and eyebrows, "Rock on!" before turning to schedule another appointment for her, as she has 68 cavities that still need to be filled. Brittany, zonked, asks, "Can I have a blue toothbrush?" "I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes," Hot Carl promises. Brittany, suddenly suspicious: "Are you a cat?"