Glee
Choke

Episode Report Card
Demian: N/A | 1 USERS: D-
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Beiste's Cooter Throws A Mean Right Hook

Idiot Rachel wafts toward us in slow motion through the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, caught up in the reverie her episode-opening voiceover has induced, and as she smiles to herself, that voiceover lectures us like so: "Deep in space, there are giant interstellar clouds. Most of them just float through the universe, content to be balls of gas and space dust, but there are special ones. Maybe they collide with a supernova, or are just made up of something extra-amazing, but one day, they just get too big for the nebulas they're in, and with the sheer gravitational force of their awesomeness, they become a star." Thank God Idiot Rachel's majoring in theater next year, because she clearly sucks with the astrophysics. By the way, when Idiot Rachel's Voiceover hits that bit about those worthless balls of ambition-free gas and space dust, Actual Idiot Rachel happened to glance over at Puck just as he tossed a salacious wink at the camera, so I suppose we're now clear as to what she thinks of him after all these years. But before we're allowed to dwell on that bit of possibly-insulting information, Idiot Rachel's Voiceover drags us forward in time to...

...Actual Idiot Rachel's bedchamber, where the be-curlered lady of the boudoir bolts upright in bed at the crack of dawn to intone, mantra-like, "I am that amazing cloud! My whole life has led to this moment!" Actual Idiot Rachel then hurls herself into her morning fitness regimen atop her elliptical machine, staring with laser-intense focus at some tacky adolescent inspiration board she's stapled to her boudoir wall as her Voiceover exposits, "My [Fake Drama School In New York] audition is this week. All of the singing, dancing lessons and hours spent late into the night practicing my Oscar acceptance speech into a mirror are just about to come home to find purchase!" Idiot Rachel's Voiceover then confides that Frankenteen "couldn't be more excited or supportive," and we get a brief blip of the lumbering, slack-jawed jackass in question running Idiot Rachel through a series of audition-appropriate facial expressions until Idiot Rachel's Voiceover once again drags us...

...back over to McKinley to inform us of Actual Idiot Rachel's by turns paranoid and superstitious pre-audition rituals, the most batshit of which is her habit of walking backwards through the halls at odd moments, with everyone she sees magically transforming into "a metaphor for the things that could stop" her, and thank God Idiot Rachel's majoring in theater next year, because she clearly sucks with the language arts as well. People wandering past you sporting sandwich boards emblazoned with phrases like "MURDEROUS STALKER," "ADELE'S THROAT POLYP," and "MENSTRUAL BLOAT" are not metaphors, honey. Try again.

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Glee

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