In any event, the fantasy ends with Puck slamming back to reality in the middle of the choir room, where the children respond to his performance with little more than a series of blank, befuddled stares. Poor, misunderstood Puck flees into this evening's first commercial break amid a cloud of deeply embarrassed gloom. Awwwwwwww.
"I realize this room is America's number-one destination for cheap, sappy moralizing," White Sue begins when we return from the break, "but your insensitive behavior is about to subject you to a whole new level of preachiness." She had me, and then she lost me. White Sue, Black Sue and John Goodman have arrived in the choir room to commence with the hectoring of Sandbags, Hat Rack, Asian Horror Movie, Little Oprah and Rojo Caliente for their earlier remarks regarding John Goodman's black eye, and since I sure as hell don't need this show to tell me over and over again that Wife Beating Is A Very Bad Thing, I'll be cutting to the point: "Ladies," White Sue eventually announces, "the American Songbook is chock-full of songs making light of men hitting women." And we'll be letting that bold assertion slide, because I have neither the strength nor the time to challenge it here. "Since the only way to get anything into your thick, dopey heads is to force you to sing about it," White Sue continues, "for this week's assignment, I want you to turn those songs into songs of empowerment that say, 'You lay a hand on me? It's over!'" The children mope. Meanwhile, Coach Beiste looks on rather bleakly, which of course means her Cooter's been smacking her around, and I seriously don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of this shitty storyline alive.
Oh, and speaking of shitty storylines: Puck. We've cut over to the boys' locker room where, after Dreamboat Blaine offers Gaylord Wiener a few savvy hair gel tips, Frankenteen lurches to his ungainly feet to draw Puck's absence to his fellows' attention. The boys make it their mission in life to help Puck pass his European Geography test, and then it's off to...
...the hallowed halls of dear McKinley High, where Idiot Rachel flies up to St. Gay Of Lima to shriek, "This is insanity!" and for a second, I think she's talking about this show's horribly misguided decision to tackle the issue of domestic violence in a single standalone episode at the end of an incredibly tedious season already overflowing with similarly misguided and overly sententious installments, but she's actually talking about St. Gay's decision to drop the supposedly too-safe "Music Of The Night" in favor of the entirely un-fresh and totally predictable "Not The Boy Next Door" from The Boy From Oz, so I immediately tune out her yammering trap in favor of focusing in on that inexplicable black nail polish of hers. There's just something wrong about Rachel Berry wearing black nail polish, you know? Though perhaps it's meant as a sly reference to the impending death of all her hopes and dreams, because she's totally going to biff her audition for Fake Drama School In New York later in the episode.