Episode Report Card
Demian: N/A | 1 USERS: D-
Beiste's Cooter Throws A Mean Right Hook

Smear sideways to Puck talking to his dad, here portrayed by the criminally underused Michael Mancini of Melrose Place, and long story short, Puck's deadbeat dad -- whom he hasn't seen in, like, a decade -- guilts his son into handing over all the cash Puck had been saving for his move to California. No, it doesn't matter why Puck's deadbeat dad needs the money, so don't bother asking.

Back in the present, Puck notes that his deadbeat dad didn't graduate from high school, either, so Puck's decided to pass that European Geography exam after all, and would the assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) mind helping him study for the thing? The assembled gentlemen of New Directions (minus St. Gay Of Lima) would be delighted!

April Rhodes Civic Pavilion. St. Gay Of Lima twitters about nervously in the wings, and his last-minute pre-audition jitters are only made worse when Idiot Rachel arrives with some crucial intel regarding the identity of their judge, Whoopi Goldberg. Sorry! Sorry, I mean "Carmen Thibodeaux," an esteemed alumna of Fake Drama School In New York who's notorious throughout the theatrical community for her hair-trigger temper. Once, she even halted a performance of Medea at The Met because some schmuck happened to glance at his watch while she was in the middle of one of her arias, and the resulting verbal scorching she delivered from the stage remains legendary in opera circles even to this day. It seems La Thibodeaux was recently named "Dean Of Vocal Performance And Song Interpretation" at Fake Drama School In New York, so she's traveling the country herself to handpick the members of her inaugural class, which explains why so exalted a personage would be wasting her time auditioning two nobodies in the middle of nowhere in Ohio.

And no sooner has Idiot Rachel finished with this massive exposition dump of hers than La Thibodeaux summons St. Gay Of Lima to the stage. St. Gay flutters and flusters himself from the wings to announce his selection, which is met with a look of supreme disdain by Whoopi Goldberg. St. Gay gauges the suddenly chilly atmosphere in the room and ventures to guess, "I bet you hear a lot of that song?" "That," La Thibodeaux icily confirms, "'The Impossible Dream' from La Mancha, and 'Being Alive' from Company." Heh. Naturally, St. Gay bravely decides to chuck out all of his careful plans for this moment and informs La Thibodeaux he'll be performing "Not the Boy Next Door" instead. In the wings, Idiot Rachel gasps. Out in the audience, Dreamboat Blaine clutches his imaginary pearls. And up on the stage, Tinkles looks mildly annoyed at the last-minute change. Though it might not be as last-minute as St. Gay would have us believe, for Single-T Tina, Brit-Brit and Mercedes now emerge from backstage already in costume as St. Gay's backup singers, and St. Gay's overwrought Phantom tuxedo is actually a tearaway hiding a carefully-crafted replica Hugh Jackman's gold lamé-based monstrosity from the musical, so I'm pretty sure St. Gay's been lying to Idiot Rachel this entire time.

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