Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina delivers a homemade "cold-buster kit" to the mildly ailing Dreamboat Blaine, but it's clearly just an excuse for her to steal a few moments alone with the object of her staggeringly inappropriate affections. Oh, Tina!
Music Room. Dreamboat Blaine is the first of the children to perform for Diva Week, and with zero introduction, he hurls himself into his version of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." Unfortunately, he's dressed like some bedazzled Miss Junior Teen IML contestant, and the song's not one of my favorites to begin with, so the entire performance is pretty much a wash as far as I'm concerned. Everyone on my television screen seems to be enjoying it, though, so there's that. And when it's done: Commercials! Yay!
Back from the break, we head back into the music room, where Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Miss Pillsbury introduce this week's special guest diva, Santana Lopez! What in hell is she doing here? I mean, God knows I love the gal, and her high-energy performance of Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits" is certainly diverting enough, what with the quartet of big-haired Louisville cheerleaders she dragged along as backup and everything, but seriously: What the hell is she doing in Lima?
Trying to guilt-trip Brit-Brit for hopping into the sack with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen, as it turns out, and no, I am not kidding with that. Barely has Santana wailed out the last note of her song when she starts in with the sad, sorry tale of how cruelly she was informed of Brittany's new romance -- not by Brittany herself, but rather by a singularly bitchy Single-T Tina -- and once she's done with that, she introduces everyone to her new "out-and-proud, lipstick-loving, After Ellen-reading girlfriend," Elaine. Brit-Brit looks a little emotional. Meanwhile, the other children whoop and holler when Santana and Elaine kiss because they're insensitive little shits.