In Ohio: Bloaty The Gravy Clown's worried his current crop of kiddies lack the sort of incendiary levels of egomania that rocketed their immediate predecessors all the way to Nationals, so Emma suggests he resurrect Diva Week as a way to toughen the children up for the next round of competition. Frankenteen of course runs with this idea -- well, he lurches and lumbers around in circles with it, actually, but you know what I'm talking about -- and after we spend far too long focusing on the children's various romantic entanglements (Single-T Tina's still wasting her life pining away over Dreamboat Blaine, and Santana Lopez returns from Kentucky to throw down with Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen over Brit-Brit's addled affections), Old Finn ends up awarding the diva trophy to Tina, mainly because Blaine was the only other person who actually bothered with the assignment this week.
In New York: St. Gay Of Lima has suddenly decided it's time to douse The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway's incendiary levels of egomania, so he challenges her to a totally ancient top-secret Fake Drama School In New York tradition known as "Midnight Madness" that in no way resembles the totally ancient top-secret Barden University tradition known as "The Riff-Off." And even though Lea Michele clearly out-sings Chris Colfer during their subsequent showdown, St. Gay wins anyway, and the two end their little spat or tiff or whatever the hell it is by...promising to be better friends in the future? I'm guessing, here, because I'd completely zoned out by the end of it.
In Other News: Will's set to return for his wedding, which might not happen now that Old Finn's slobbered all over the bride-to-be, and Santana Lopez moves to New York. Can't wait to see how they fuck that one up.
Featuring Beyoncé's "Diva," as performed by Not-So-Unique, Brit-Brit, Single-T Tina, Dreamboat Blaine, Stupid Boring New Idiot Rachel, and Kitty, all of whom look faaaaaaa-bulous during the number; Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now," as performed by Dreamboat Blaine and the hat he stole from Mr. Slave; "Nutbush City Limits" by Ike & Tina Turner, as performed by Santana Lopez and a flock of Lady Birds from Louisville; "Make No Mistake, She's Mine" from Kim Carnes and Barbra Streisand by way of Kenny Rogers and Ronnie Milsap, as performed by Santana Lopez and Lady Lips Von Bieberhausen; "This Thing" from That Musical I Hate, as performed by The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway and St. Gay Of Lima; Madonna's "Hung Up," as performed by Single-T Tina outdoors, in the middle of winter, in the middle of Ohio, because this show isn't even trying anymore; and "Girl On Fire" by Alicia Keys, as performed by Santana.
"Look at her," a contemptuous St. Gay Of Lima sneers via voiceover as The Horrible Hooker Of Broadway trills through a run of suspiciously high notes in front of a classroom of her enraptured peers. "This class is supposed to be free sing for everyone," St. Gay's Voiceover continues, "but Rachel hasn't stopped screeching like a third-rate Maria Callas since the bell rang." St. Gay has positioned himself far away from the rest of Rachel's eager audience, practically hugging the classroom's back wall, the better to seethe and sulk all by his superior lonesome as His Voiceover cattily snits, "Because I'm her best friend, I can say this: Rachel's always been a little insufferable, but ever since she won Winter Showcase, her ego and behavior are out of control!"
Cut to The Improbably Bohemian Loft, where St. Gay suffers in eye-rolling silence while The Horrible Hooker hogs the bathroom. "At home," His Voiceover carps, "she uses up all the hot water, leaves rings in the tub, and don't get me started on the hair extensions clogging the sink!"
Cut back to Fake Drama School In New York, where St. Gay's Voiceover crabs, "At school, she eschews my company and instead surrounds herself with easily-awed sycophants." The camera passes from St. Gay -- here again self-isolated against a far wall in the middle of some beige-toned student lounge -- to take in The Horrible Hooker and two of the sycophants in question, the first of whom shrieks something excited about an open casting call for the long-awaited revival of Funny Girl. With an extravagant show of modesty, The Horrible Hooker claims she couldn't possibly hold a candle to the show's incandescent original lead, which prompts the second sycophant to insist she audition immediately, as everyone knows she's "Barbra's heir-apparent."
Cut again to My Ancestral Homeland, where The Horrible Hooker holds up a series of pre-written signs informing St. Gay she'll not be answering her product-placed iPhone this evening, as she's saving her voice, and would he mind, terribly, taking down messages for her? "On some level," St. Gay's Voiceover hisses, "I always knew this would happen -- that as Rachel's star rose, so too would her prima donna-like tendencies."
Smear once more to the classroom from the top of this sequence. The Horrible Hooker finishes her aria, or whatever the hell it was, and as she basks in the ecstatic approval of her peers, the conniving St. Gay Of Lima shoots daggers at her through slitted eyes as His Voiceover, dripping with disdain, concludes, "Yes, it's become clear to me: This Sarah Brightman-in-training needs to be knocked down a few pegs, and I'm the only one who can do it!" Oh, blow it out your ass, you whiny little bitch. Also: Tonight's title card.