...slammed back to the music room, where Miss Pillsbury's just now finishing her little lecture with a bright and perky, "And that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory: By being a diva!" The children offer her a polite round of applause.
The Horrible Hooker's Bushwick Bordello. After a few bitchy preliminaries, The Horrible Hooker and St. Gay Of Lima descend into a screaming match that basically boils down to this: According to St. Gay, The Horrible Hooker has turned into a "self-righteous" hag "on steroids," and according to The Horrible Hooker, St. Gay is jus jelass. It all ends up with St. Gay challenging The Horrible Hooker to a vocal duel at something called "Midnight Madness," which The Horrible Hooker strongly advises against -- after all, didn't she already beat him in a head-to-head sing-off? Much to my delight, St. Gay reveals he intentionally threw that little competition all those many years ago to protect his father, and Rachel's subsequent nervous breakdown is a joy to behold. "That was my first big win!" she howls in protest. "That was the foundation that I built all of my confidence on for the last two years!" "Consider it cracked," St. Gay snots, adding, "Get ready for Diva-Off Part Two -- and this time, I'm not throwing anything." Rachel gapes. Heh.
Hallowed Halls Of Dear McKinley High. Single-T Tina delivers a homemade "cold-buster kit" to the mildly ailing Dreamboat Blaine, but it's clearly just an excuse for her to steal a few moments alone with the object of her staggeringly inappropriate affections. Oh, Tina!
Music Room. Dreamboat Blaine is the first of the children to perform for Diva Week, and with zero introduction, he hurls himself into his version of Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now." Unfortunately, he's dressed like some bedazzled Miss Junior Teen IML contestant, and the song's not one of my favorites to begin with, so the entire performance is pretty much a wash as far as I'm concerned. Everyone on my television screen seems to be enjoying it, though, so there's that. And when it's done: Commercials! Yay!
Back from the break, we head back into the music room, where Bloaty The Gravy Clown and Miss Pillsbury introduce this week's special guest diva, Santana Lopez! What in hell is she doing here? I mean, God knows I love the gal, and her high-energy performance of Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits" is certainly diverting enough, what with the quartet of big-haired Louisville cheerleaders she dragged along as backup and everything, but seriously: What the hell is she doing in Lima?