Glee

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Tigers? At Night? With Voices Soft As Thunder?

Smear forward to the present, where the evil Bryan Ryan explains his presence in this evening's episode like so: "I'm here to do an audit of our curriculum, Will -- we may need to cut some of our district's art programs." Maharishi Figgins assures Will it's all a mere formality, but Bryan Ryan hastens to differ, announcing that he's probably going to axe the Glee Club first. Will, of course, is flabbergasted and outraged, but does manage to splutter, "But you were in the Glee Club! Show choir was your life!" And strap yourselves in for a massive information dump, kiddos, because we're about to get all of Bryan Ryan's tumultuous backstory. "It was, Will," Bryan Ryan agrees, rising from his seat to roam about for his monologue, "and after I graduated, I hit the big time: I was a featured soloist at Kings Island in The Doodle-Dee-Doo Music Revue -- we were a smash -- then for three years I did the cruise ship circuit!" Maharishi Figgins has become positively enraptured by this point, just so you know. Hee. "But when that dried up," Bryan Ryan continues, sadly, "I realized I had been sold a bill of goods, and nine years later, I woke up on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district." Bryan Ryan pauses for a dramatic moment to let the sordidness of his fall from eighth-tier showbiz grace sink in. "Then," he perks up, "something amazing happened: I was introduced to Jesus." Maharishi Figgins -- whose apparent devotion to Our Lord And Savior was introduced at the beginning of the season, then dropped until the first of these back nine episodes -- positively plotzes at Bryan Ryan's revelation, and even though Jesus was actually Bryan Ryan's "Honduran social worker," the Maharishi remains smitten. It's very disturbing. And funny. In any event, with Jesus's help, Bryan Ryan straightened up, put down the crack pipe, married the lovely Wilma Ryan, and now runs a successful used Hummer dealership. "Don't make that face," he chides Will. "Global Warming's a theory." And now, four nights a week, Bryan Ryan runs "a show choir conversion group."

Smear back to the group's most recent meeting, where Sally O'Malley babbles something worthless about Miss Adelaide and topless auditions and drugs before they completely waste John Michael Higgins on a pointless cameo, and then we...

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Glee

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