And then we come back to the auditorium, completely decked out with fake snow and Christmas trees, where Rachel is singing Joni Mitchell's "River." And then Artie tells her that if she thinks she's going to perform that depressing song on his Christmas special, she's got another think coming. She demands to know exactly what he's planning, and he tells us: "We begin in the Swiss Alps, in the village of Gstaad, in the perfectly appointed living room of Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson's chic, swank chalet." After describing the holiday decor, Artie tells them, "Kurt and Blaine, the perfects hosts, have invited their friends to drop in for an evening of Noel Cowardesque banter and fun, happy, cheer-filled songs." Rachel: "Are you telling me I'm not invited to Kurt and Blaine's for Christmas?" Artie: "Not unless you pick a happier song." He also tells them that the special will end with Rory, dressed as Itchy the Christmas Elf, reading the story of "Frosty the Snowman." Sam points out that Frosty's not exactly a happy story, seeing as how he dies at the end. Artie plans a rewrite, but Sam stands up to defend the idea of keeping the sad and melancholy in Christmas, since that's part of what holidays are about. But Artie insists that everybody buy into his vision of a super-cheerful Christmas. But Sam won't buy into it -- in fact, he's going to leave that minute to ring a bell downtown. Did he get a job as a hunchback? Oh, no, he's just going to collect for charity. He invites Rory to join him, but Rory is too tempted by the thought of playing Itchy the Christmas Elf, and he decides to stick around with the rest of the group.

Hallway. Finn gives Rachel some sympathy over her song getting rejected. But she's determined to get a song in the special, since it's her Christian duty to share her talents with the world. What? Look, just deal with it, she's not Jewish this week. And then she starts fishing for Finn to give her one of her Christmas presents early -- namely, some earrings that will sparkle under the television lights. Finn is perfectly happy to give her an early present, and he hands her a card. It does not contain the world's flattest diamonds. Instead, it has a picture of the pig he's adopted for her that will feed an African family for a month. Rachel: "You gave me a dead pig for Christmas?" Finn: "No, it's not dead yet, you gotta get it fat first." Rachel takes a deep breath and manages not to kill Finn. Instead, she tells him to try again, but to stick with the list. "All I want is what's coming to me. All I want is my fair share." Rachel Berry, I've met Sally Brown. I've worked with Sally Brown. Sally Brown was a friend of mine. And you, lady, are no Sally Brown.